Dr. Lyons said something, but all I could hear was my heart beating out of my chest. The walls were closing in on me. I grabbed my purse and my deviled eggs and ran out of the restaurant.
***
I’d shot Chastity an SOS text as soon as I got back to my apartment. And then I climbed onto my couch and hid under my fluffiest blanket. I was never leaving the house again. I was about to call the FBI on myself. Just for the protection of others.
Chastity didn’t bother to knock, she just let herself in. “Hey,” she said and sat down next to me.
I assumed. Because the blanket was over my head.
“That bad?” she asked and pulled the blanket down.
“It wasn’t Tanner’s penis,” I said as I somehow slumped farther down onto my couch. I wanted to sink into it and disappear from the world.
Chastity tossed her purse on the floor. “What?”
“The painting. The man I blew. It wasn’t Tanner. It was Dr. Lyons.” I showed her the picture of him in the Society app and told her all about my dinner date from hell.
“Well that’s amazing,” she said. “Now you don’t have to break up with him.”
“Are you crazy? I can never see him again! I cheated on him with himself and raped him all at the same time. How is that even a thing that’s possible?”
“I have to admit, that is a pretty impressive feat. But if you think about it, this is kind of perfect.”
“Hold that thought.” My whole body was yelling at me. My head hurt. My chest felt tight. And don’t get me started about my horribly uncomfortable slacks. Whoever invented pants should be shot. I was going to lose my mind if I didn’t get a glass of wine and change into some spandex shorts within the next five seconds. So I did exactly that. Well, kind of. Technically it was an entire bottle of wine. But after the day I’d had, it felt like the right choice. And I wasn’t a total monster - I grabbed one for Chastity too.
“What was I saying?” she asked as we clinked bottles.
I took a huge gulp straight from my bottle. “Something about my disaster of a life actually being perfect?”
“Oh, right. I mean, howisn’tit perfect? Dr. Lyons still wants to be with you. And he has a huge penis. So you can keep dating him and make Tanner super jealous. Win, win, win.”
“Blowing Dr. Lyons isn’t going to make Tanner jealous. It’s going to make him think I’m a disgusting slut.”Because I am.I’m a dirty, rapey, slutbag.I took another huge swig of wine.
“Tanner can’t really be mad. You two aren’t dating, it was only a blowjob, and you were trying to blowhimfor God’s sake. It was just a classic masquerade ball mix-up.”
“A what?”
“You know…when you go to a masquerade ball with your boyfriend and think you’re banging him, but really it’s some other dude. Technically it’s not cheating since you had good intentions.”
“Are you sure that’s a thing?”
Chastity nodded. “Haven’t you read Lulu the Love Doctor’s blog? She talks about it all the time.”
“All the time? How often could that situation possibly come up?”
“A lot, apparently. At least in the inner circles of the Manhattan elite. You know how rich people love to throw a good masquerade party. Daddy used to throw them all the time. But it doesn’t even matter. Tanner’s never going to know what you did.”
“I have to tell him, don’t I?”
“No. What you do with other men before he asks you to be his girlfriend is none of his business. You’re a 28-year-old divorcee. I’m sure Tanner doesn’t have any illusions about you still being a virgin. Think of it this way: Doyouwant to knowhissexual history?”
“Not really.” Suddenly all I could picture was him hooking up with every girl in the Society. The thought of it made my stomach turn over. Or maybe I just felt sick from downing half a bottle of wine. Either way, I realized that I needed to be more assertive with Tanner. I was done playing games. They just weren’t my thing. I wasn’t smooth enough to play games. There was only one solution. No more making him jealous. Which meant no more dating Dr. Lyons.
I got the ball rolling by deleting all the texts Dr. Lyons had sent me since I escaped in an Uber. Then I hovered my finger over the BLOCK button. With one click, he’d be gone from my life.
“Are yousureyou want to get rid of Dr. Lyons?” asked Chastity. “Maybe you should think about it for a little while. I mean…itisthat time of the year when you start to act strange.”
“Are you talking about my period? You know that’s a monthly thing, right?”Or did Chastity get knocked up and not realize it?
