"So what else didn't you like?"
Where do I even begin?"I didn't like all the walls. I'm looking for more of an open concept. And the kitchen was just so...blah. I want a big island. And granite countertops. And a sexy backsplash. Oh! Definitely a gas stove with one of those fancy hoods over it.”
“So you’re looking for something with a little more flair?”
"Yeah, I guess you could say that." I hadn't been in the housing market for a while, but it sure seemed like she was using some strange lingo. It didn't really matter though. There was no way the Society would actually let me buy a place here using Monopoly money. I decided to just have some fun and pretend like I was onMy Lottery Dream Home. "You know what, I can get more than $750,000 for a down payment. Just show me the most extra place you’ve got."
"Now that's what I like to hear." Frankie clicked a few buttons on her phone. "I have just what you're looking for."
We took the elevator up to the 58th floor. If the elevator buttons were to be trusted, that was only a few floors away from being the top of the tower.Fancy indeed.In fact, it was so fancy that there wasn't even really a hallway. Just a little foyer with two doors labeled 58A and 58B. 58B was our destination. And it was freaking awesome.
"Hello, gorgeous,” said the realtor, shutting his Cosmo magazine and setting it aside. “Pink Ocelot, at your service.” He bowed and kissed my hand. Usually I would have been grossed out by such a gesture, but he was so well groomed that I wasn’t even sure his lips had any germs on them. Seriously. I’d never seen a man so impeccably groomed. His skin was flawless, his fuchsia dress shirt had clearly been pressed, and his hair was…huge.
I probably should have said hi, but instead I just stared at him. I had so many questions.How much gel did it take for him to pull off that hairstyle? And what the hell kind of name is Pink Ocelot?
“We can start the tour in a minute,” he said. “But I have to ask…who did your hair? It’s divine.” Ocelot ran his hands through the ends of my black wig. “Paul Mitchell called, he needs his model back.”
Am I the model? Or does my wig have a model number or something? Shit!Is it that obvious that it's a wig?
"Ocelot, please!" said Frankie. "Try not to touch my clients."
"How can I keep my hands off perfection?" He growled like a tiger. Or did Ocelots growl? Either way, he growled.
"I'm sure you'll find a way. How about you show us around?"
"What would you like to see first?"
I didn't answer. I just started wandering around trying to imagine how much this all must cost.
The ceilings were all at least ten feet high, the whole living space was open, and every surface was sparkling white. It looked like the Property Brothers had just been there and worked their magic. Every room had unique details that brought the whole place to life. I wasn't sure if my favorite part was the black and white zigzag accent wall in the master bedroom or the flamboyant marble statue of Dionysus in the dining room.
Then we got to the bathroom.
It was modern and sleek, with lots of glass. There was even a fireplace in the corner for no apparent reason other than to be extra. But two things caught me off guard. First, there was a bidet - the world’s most disgusting invention. And second, the shower wasn’t nearly as big as I would have wanted for such a sick bathroom.
"So what do you think?" asked Ocelot. "Fabulous, right?"
"Yes. But why is the shower so small?”
“I wouldn’t call it small. More like slightly above average. Most importantly, though, this shower knows how to hit you in all the right spots at just the right time. Not just any old shower can do that, you know.”
Is that what all those buttons are for?“Hmmm…I don’t know. It really seems small to me.”
He looked insulted for a moment, but then he smoothed his shirt and regained his composure. “My dear girl, don’t get me wrong. Big showers are amazing. In fact, I’ve looked at real estate all over the world in search of the biggest shower. But big showers are best as a sometimes thing. A special treat, if you will.”
What the hell is he talking about?“I have to disagree. I want the biggest shower ever, right in my house. It’s actually at the very top of my must-have list. Oh! How about a double shower head? I’ve always…”
Ocelot put his finger to my lips. “Shush. Say no more, my dear. I could never fault a girl for wanting a bigger shower. And I’ve always thought that double showerheads just make sense.”
“Is the small shower a deal-breaker?” asked Frankie.
“Slightly above average,” corrected Ocelot.
“Yeah, I think so.”And this place must cost a bajillion dollars that I don’t have.It was better to bow out gracefully because of the shower than to embarrass myself by letting them find out I was broke.
“Alright then,” said Frankie. “Onto the next place.” She looped her arm through mine and guided me out while Ocelot bowed deeply.
“That guy was so weird,” I said when we were back in the hall. “But I kind of loved it. I’ve always thought it would be so fun to have a gay best friend.”
