"I didn't pee my pants, if that's what you're thinking. I just have a weird bladder thing. Spastic bladder is what they call it.” I cleared my throat to try to stop the awkwardness coming out of my mouth. “So…you were going to help me find an apartment?” I walked past her and into the office.
"Yup!" she said, mercifully ignoring the whole spastic bladder thing. "I just have a few questions and then we can head out and look at some places." She pulled out a chair for me and opened her laptop. "Okay, let's see... First things first. Are you looking to rent or buy?"
I don't know.I wasn’t actually in the market for real estate. My financial situation could not exactly be described as healthy. If Chastity hadn’t hooked me up with my new job, I would have been homeless soon. Joe had taken everything from me. And Icouldn’t do anything about it. Not unless I was cool with him releasing that sex tape he had of me. And I definitely was not cool with that. Thus…I was left with nothing.Asshole.
So yeah…no new real estate for me. Especially not after my thousand-dollar Monopoly shopping spree.Monopoly!If my count had been right, I had over $750,000 in Monopoly money. Could I use that to buy an apartment from the Society? I decided to pretend like I could. "I'm up for renting or buying. If you find me the right place for under 750K, I can pay in cash."
"That's a good strategy. It's hard to say if you'll want to rent or buy until you see the place. Me? I'm renting a few different places with the option to buy once I decide which one I like the best."
"You can do that?" I asked. I'd heard of that with car leases, but not with houses. This was so fancy.
"Sure. I have my landlords wrapped around my finger."
Of course she did. She was exactly what you’d expect from a member of a sex club. Long blonde hair. Legs for days. Dimples. Somehow even the bullring in her nose wasn’t totally repulsive, which was shocking. Because those things were freaking disgusting. No matter how well she cleaned it every night, it would never be enough to get rid of her nose germs.Thank God I’d talked Rosalie out of getting one of those back in college.Unless Frankie’s landlord was a total germaphobe like me, then the poor guy would probably give her the entire apartment building for free.
Frankie scrolled to the next question. "Do you care if your house has had more than three previous owners?"
"What? Why would I care about that?"
"Well, you know. Sometimes people are picky about that sort of thing. They want everything to be brand new. And sometimes lots of previous owners in a short time means that there's something wrong with the place. Or at least, that’s what my therapist told me to look out for."
Therapist? For house hunting tips? Weird."Now that you mention it, I guess I would prefer for it to be brand new."Nice and germ-free. Unlike her nose ring.Gag.
"Would you like it to be pet-friendly?"
"No pets. I want the opposite of pet-friendly. I'm pet-hostile."
"But puppies are so cute." She reached for her phone. "Look at this picture of my friend's adorable little Pomeranian..."
What now?I was about to smack a bitch. The only thing good about a little dog was how easy it would be to punt it out a window. "Have you seen an air filter from a house with dogs? Or looked at a dog owner under a black light? I did once. All that slobber lit them up like a Christmas tree.” Oh God, that reminded me of when I’d lit Matthew Caldwell’s pants up like a Christmas tree.Stop it.“Dogs are the offspring of Satan and Stalin."
"Wow, okay. No pets. Let's move on. How important is it to you that your apartment is reliable?"
What does that even mean?"Are you talking about stuff breaking a lot? Yeah, I'd love for shit to break all the time."
"Got it. You want something that makes you work a little," she said as she typed it into her laptop.
"What? No. Don't write that down. I was being sarcastic. Of course I want it to be reliable. Who would want a place that they have to constantly fix?"
"Me, apparently." She laughed and asked me a bunch more questions, but none of the usual stuff. She didn't really say anything else about my budget, and she didn't ask about how many bedrooms or bathrooms I wanted. The answer to that, for the record, would have been two of each. Or at least two bathrooms. That was the key. Otherwise I'd never be able to have anyone over. A single bathroom was a pants-pissing incident waiting to happen.
"Just one final question and then we can start looking at some places," said Frankie. "Do you care if it's carpeted, or do you want it to be completely smooth?"
Completely smooth?Who talks about a floor that way?I was suddenly feeling like I wasn't the most awkward person in the room, if that was possible. "Carpets are okay in some rooms, but I don’t want those little germ nests anywhere near kitchens or bathrooms."
Frankie nodded as she made a few more notes and then closed her laptop. "Okay, let's go look at some apartments!"
As we went down the stairs, I tried to hide behind Frankie in case my stalker was still there, but he was gone. The only trace of him was some blueberry filling splattered on the floor.
Had I missed my only chance to meet my stalker? I sure hoped not. And I really, really hoped he hadn’t seen me.
Stalker Problems - Chapter 15 - Smooth Floors?
Tuesday – April 11, 2023
"Drive or walk?" asked Frankie.
"How far is it?"
