Every word that came out of her mouth made me less interested. But she did have a point. While the terms and conditions encouraged sexual contact, clause 49c did explicitly ban rape. "I'll consider it if you promise to never talk about Superman wanting dick again."
"Works for me. Where's your phone? You need to accept the invitation before Frankie gets booked for someone else."
I got up and grabbed my phone off the coffee table. Then I logged into the app. Not to necessarily accept the invitation, but I at least wanted to see if there was more information. The home screen popped up. There were two buttons at the bottom: View Preferences, and RSVP.
I was about to click on RSVP when Chastity said, "Oh! Let's fill out your preferences real quick."
"That's probably not necessary..."
She reached over and clicked theView Preferencesbutton. The preferences form popped up with all the answers filled in.
"Weird. It looks like it comes pre-filled." My voice cracked halfway through.
"Oh my God. You already filled it out!"
"Did not."How did she know?!It was like she could read my lying soul.
She stared at me.
"It probably just prefilled with the most common features of their members. I guess Frankie is going to be a white 6'2 male with brown hair, an athletic build, and a nine-inch penis."
"Do you know what percent of the population is white, 6'2, with brown hair and an athletic build?"
"Half?" I suggested.
"Definitely less than one percent. Finding a single guy like that is like finding a unicorn. And finding such a man with a nine-inch dick? That's like finding a unicorn with a nine-inch dick."
"Wow, vivid imagery there. But I feel like nine inches might actually be fairly common for an animal in the Equus genus. Maybe even a bit small. #HorseFacts."
Chastity laughed. "You never use hashtags right. They’re for sass. Not horse facts. But fair point. Anyway, that perfect specimen of a man you just described is super rare. There's no way that's what the Society's average member looks like. Not even Berbers are that well hung, much less white New Yorkers." She stared at me expectantly.
Really, how did she always know I was lying? I must not have had a good poker face. Or maybe it was because I always got all fidgety when I was lying. I scratched under my chin like a weirdo. Damn it, I was doing it right now! "Fine! I filled it out. Is that so wrong? What did you expect me to do when I was here all weekend having sex dreams about FedEx men? You would have filled it out too."
"Sex dreams about FedEx men? Ow, ow! We'll circle back to that later, but first I want to talk about how you want a nine-inch dick. I'm impressed. And a little surprised. That's a lot of meat for such a little girl."
I could feel my face turning bright red. "I didn't think you could say anything grosser than your gay Superman metaphor, but that takes the cake. Well done."
"Seriously...what made you say nine inches? Was Joe packing way more than you let on? I thought you said..." Chastity held up her pinky finger and wiggled it around.
"That's about right. And I dunno why I said nine. It just felt like a nice round number."
"Do you have any idea how big that is?"
I pressed my lips together. I mean, I had a pretty good idea. That was why I’d selected it. And I was very excited about my decision. "Normal sized?"
Chastity walked over and grabbed my can of ginger ale. "Picture this as a penis."
"Ew. Why is it so short and thick?"
"Because it's only half the penis." She grabbed another can and stacked it on top. "That's more like it."
"It's still so thick."
"The proper term is girthy. And yes, that's what happens. As they get longer, they also get girthier."
There's no way that would fit in me.Oh God, what have I done?"I think I made a mistake." I quickly changed my penis size preference to two inches.
"Only two?” she said through her laughter. “You overcorrected a bit. How about we settle somewhere in the middle. Try six or seven."
