49) The following will result in immediate termination of membership:
49a) Violation of clause 1 (nondisclosure).
49b) Violation of clause 24 (payment in real currency).
49c) Rape.
49d) Gross misconduct, as determined by the Society.
49e) Three suspensions of any kind.
49f) Two suspensions due to low approval ratings within any 6-month period.
Oh no, I've already done two of those things!
AMENDMENTS
50) The Society reserves the right to make amendments to these terms and conditions at any time.
51) When amendments are made, the Member must accept the amendments before participating in any more wishes.
52) If the Member does not accept the new terms, she may end her affiliation with the Society. Even if she is still an initiate, she will receive a full refund of her security deposit.
LIABILITY
53) By participating in a wish, the Member hereby releases the Society from liability for all claims, including but not limited to personal injury or death.
54) If the Member becomes pregnant during her affiliation with the society, she agrees that the father (if a member) and the Society are not liable.
Madison started to say something, probably about how shitty it was that the father wouldn't be liable, but I wasn’t really listening. And I wasn’t entirely sure what happened next. Because I was pretty sure I was finally experiencing something on my list.Blackout time. Check.
***
The next morning, I woke up on my couch, still wearing the same clothes as last night. It felt like I'd been run over by a truck. My head ached, and I was pretty sure the contents of my stomach were about to end up on the couch. I ran into the kitchen and forced myself to eat a few Ritz crackers. Like I told Dr. Lyons: if I didn't eat carbs in the morning, I always got all barfy. Mixing two wine coolers with God knows how many glasses of wine on an empty stomach the night before certainly hadn’t helped.
I was about to open the microwave to make some tea when I noticed something horrifying in the glass reflection. A woman with long black hair and no face lurked behind me. I threw my mug of water - luckily not yet boiling - in the air and grabbed a chef's knife out of the butcher block as I spun around. I was ready to cut a bitch. Or zombie. Or whatever it was.
It turned out to be neither a bitch nor a zombie. It was just a black wig sitting on a wooden mannequin head. The rest of the table was covered with open boxes of Monopoly games. There were at least three dozen of them. The pieces were strewn everywhere, except for the money. It was all organized and wrapped in currency straps.
"What the hell did we do?" I mumbled. It looked like we had robbed Uncle Pennybags himself.That's it! Monopoly!I thought back to the part in the contract about Monopoly money being used in wishes. In our drunken stupor, we must have visited every 24-hour store in Hell's Kitchen and bought all their copies of Monopoly. Apparently we had concluded that in-wish purchasing power was of the utmost importance.
As for the wig, I had no idea.
I opened the Society's app to search the terms and conditions for a mention of wigs, but the bold red letters about action required were missing. Instead, it just said:Contract Signed - April 12.
No.There was no way I would have signed something. Besides, I wasn’t Raven Black. It had been fun reading the terms and conditions, but I was not going to participate in the Society. I wasn't even going to leave the house. I couldn't break my vow of reclusivity.But I already have.Otherwise, I wouldn't have spent$1314 on Monopoly games. I hadn't found a receipt for the wig, but it looked expensive.Please have generous return policies.
I clicked on the line about the signed contract. It took me to the bottom of the terms and conditions:
CONTRACT
On this 7th day of April 2023, the Society and the Member enter into this binding contract.
As set forth in the above terms and conditions and all associated appendices, the Society agrees to fulfill three wishes for the Member.
This contract will stay in effect in perpetuity until either party chooses to terminate the relationship, as per Clause 6.
At the bottom was my signature and yesterday's date.
