I had only just gotten back under my blanket and turned on my kindle when there was a knock. It had only been like...a minute since I ordered the pizza. That would have even been fast for the Chinese takeout place down the street. I was still working out how they delivered so quickly, but ninjas were definitely involved.
"Leave it on the mat!" I yelled.How long should I wait to go get it?If I went too soon, I risked compulsively molesting the pizza boy. But if I waited too long, I risked Homeless Rutherford stealing it. Or worse...he might just lick all the hot cheese and then leave it there as a germ-trap. This wouldn’t be the first time. He was a monster.
There was another knock.
"I said leave it on the mat!" I yelled even louder.
"Ash!" he yelled. But he sounded very feminine. Maybe it was actually just a woman. "Let us in!"
Shit! The SWAT team is here!And they even sent female officers so that I wouldn't try to rape anyone.Clever...
"We're coming in!" yelled the officer.
I dove behind the couch to avoid getting hit by splinters when they rammed the door. But instead they just used some sort of skeleton key and opened the door the old-fashioned way.
"Ash?" she said.
"Ash isn't here," I said as robotically as possible. I reached up and pulled a blanket over myself.
"I think she's hiding behind the couch," said another female voice.
"She's definitely not," I replied.
I braced myself as they tugged the blanket off me. But instead of staring at a SWAT team, I found myself staring at Chastity and Madison. And Liz.Damn it.Getting arrested and taken to sex rehab would have been better than having to hang out with Liz.
Madison gave me a quizzical look. "Why are you hiding under a blanket? And why aren't you answering your phone?"
"I took a vow of reclusivity. And hid my phone in my desk."
"But it's Friday. We always hang out on Fridays."
"Not anymore. I'm never leaving this apartment again."
"It went that bad, huh?" asked Chastity.
I gave her a stern look. "I really don't want to talk about it."
"Talk about what?" asked Madison.
"I..." I started, but Chastity held up her freshly manicured hand to stop me.
"She got food poisoning from some Indian place," said Chastity. "Had explosive diarrhea earlier. It was truly awful. You know how that goes with curry."
What?I appreciated her lying for me, but there was no reason for her to make it so graphic. She was probably just pissed that I didn't call her immediately after my doctor's appointment. I almost had, but then I decided that it was better for the story of Dr. Lyons to never be told. Or rather…Incident #2.God, I hated that I’d experienced two unspeakable incidents.
Liz plopped down in my favorite spot on the couch. "Explosive diarrhea? Ew."
"Yeah, it was pretty bad." I walked over towards the door. "Well, thanks for stopping by. But you guys should probably just hang out without me tonight."
"No way," said Madison. "If you're not feeling well, we'll just stay here."
"You really don't have to..."
"Best friends don't leave each other alone."
I really wish you would."Aw, that's so sweet."
“And Single Girl Rule #2…” Chastity said.
