Say what?I peered over the side of the dumpster, cringing when my hand made contact with the metal. “What are you talking about? Did he follow me?”
“I hired a stripper for you. To celebrate signing the papers. Happy Divorce Day!”
“That’s not a thing!” I knew she’d been faking her injury. I should have suspected that she was luring me to a party I didn’t want to attend.
She laughed. “I got you so good.”
“You know my rule about strippers!” I wanted to laugh too. Because this wasn’t the first time this kind of thing had happened to me. For my bachelorette party, a stripper had shown up yelling about a fire he needed to put out. I’d thought the building was burning down so I fled down the fire escape. I’d legit run barefoot for three blocks before I realized he was a stripper rather than a real fireman. The fact that I saw no flames or smoke tipped me off. I’d made a no stripper rule after that for a reason. And rules were not meant to be broken.
“You’re single again, Ash. Which means Single Girl Rules are back in effect! So your no stripper rule is trumped by Single Girl Rule #10: All celebrations of important life events must involve strippers.”
“No Single Girl Rules!” The only good thing about being with Joe was that I got out of all Chastity’s crazy Single Girl Rules. Theywere not normal girl code rules. They were fucking nuts. Just like her.
“Come on, let’s get you back inside. All the guests are waiting…”
“All the guests?! Chastity, I’m covered in garbage!” I tried not to gag.
“But…there’s food and presents…”
I did love food and presents.
“And your whole extended family…”
“What? Chastity, why is my whole family here?” And why would she invite a stripper to a family affair?
“You know Aunt Carol tags along everywhere with your parents.”
Aunt Carol was technically my great aunt. And she couldn’t be trusted to be left alone, so my parents always brought her to events like this. Well…not likethis. I had no idea what the hell this was. Divorce Day parties weren’t a thing.
“I need a shower and some alone time,” I said. “Not a party.”
Chastity sighed. “I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll let you have a shower. But how about we still have a girls’ night?”
“A very small girls’ night.”
“Exactly.”
I didn’t really believe her. But I wanted out of this dumpster as soon as possible. “Fine. Help me out of here and then get rid of everyone. Including the stripper.”
“You’re #lame. But fine.”
***
I pulled on a pair of Chastity’s sweatpants and a tank top she’d let me borrow. I’d scrubbed myself raw until the water turned cold. And I still felt dirty. And not in a good way like my stalker made me feel.
I peered out of the bathroom to see if Chastity had kept her promise. I spotted all my friends through the sea of balloons. And when I say, "all my friends," I mean Chastity and two other girls my age, one that I liked and one that I really didn’t but had to pretend to because my other friends maybe kind of liked her. Chastity had kept her word. It was just a very small girls’ night.
“Finally,” Chastity said. “Come join us. Your mom made that zucchini bread you love. And I made one too.” She pointed to a raw zucchini on a plate with a dinner roll on each side, resembling a penis.
“That does not classify as zucchini bread,” I said. “Chastity, why on earth did you invite a stripper to a party that my parents were attending?”
Chastity laughed. “They didn’t care. And Aunt Carol seemed particularly pleased by the fake police officer. She couldn’t look away.”
“She can barely see.” I plopped down on the couch next to Madison, the other friend I actually liked. I didn’t bother to say hi to Liz because she was probably already asleep. Really…why did my friends keep inviting her to things? She wasn’t even conscious.
I lifted up a slice of pizza. At least there was the promised food. And presents. My eyes landed on the pile of presents next to the couch. “Can I open those?” If I’d known that getting divorced meant I’d be getting a pile of presents, maybe I would have dumped Joe a long time ago. Way before I found out he was cheating on me with an instamodel.
“I thought you’d never ask.” Chastity tossed me the first present.
