“It’s fine, Ember,” I said, trying to keep my voice even, though it was probably still a little rough. “I’m not mad. Surprised? Yeah. But not mad. I’m going to trust you, Ember. I believe you when you say there’s nothing to worry about. It’s just… a lot to take in.”
The tension in her voice seemed to ease slightly. “Thank you, Colton.”
We talked for a little longer before I could tell she was exhausted and I knew I needed to end the call.
“Look, I should probably go,” I told her. “I’ve got to meet Alejandro in the morning and I promised a neighbor up the road I’d fix her porch steps.”
A sudden, uncomfortable silence met my words. I heard her draw a sharp breath.Oh, hell.I immediately realized how that sounded, especially after the whole Bethany thing and my being jealous of her ‘date.’
“Relax, Firefly. She’s about 70 years old, Ember,” I quickly clarified, a laugh escaping me. “She can barely get up them. I was coming home the other day and saw her struggling with her groceries. I pulled over to help her and saw the condition her steps were in and volunteered to fix them for her,” I explained.
After telling her I’d call her in a couple days, but if she wanted, or needed, to talk, to call me, we hung up and I felt a lightness in my chest I hadn’t felt in a very long time.
The following day, the morning air was already warm and humid as Alejandro and I walked outside the cabin. We’d decided to have our session out here today, a change of scenery from the diner. Alejandro was talking about some new techniques he wanted to practice when suddenly, a sharp crack echoed through the woods.
A gunshot.
My body reacted before my mind could even register it. I dropped, instinctively hitting the dirt, my hands flying to cover my head. The sound echoed around me, instantly I morphed back to the explosion, the metallic tang of blood, the screams, the dust, the blinding flashes of white. I was back in the Humvee, the cries of my unit, my brothers around me. My breath hitched, coming in ragged, desperate gasps. My chest burned, my vision tunneled. I was spiraling, falling into blackness.
Suddenly I felt hands on me. “Colton! Colton, breathe! You’re here. You’re safe. Look at me!” Alejandro’s voice, calm and steady, slowly pierced through the chaos. It was distant at first, then closer, pulling meback. “Focus on my voice. Five things you can see. Four things you can touch. Three things you can hear…”
Doing as he said, slowly the screams faded. The dust settled. I was on my knees, covered in sweat, breathing hard, my body trembling uncontrollably. Shame washed over me. This was a setback. After all that talk, all that progress, one sound and I was right back at square one.
I couldn’t stand it. I felt depleted. When hot tears welled in my eyes, I didn’t try to stop them from spilling down my cheeks. I crumpled further, my hands hitting the dirt, my body wracked with sobs. “Johnson!” I choked out, the name a raw, guttural cry. “Riley! Miller!” Their faces, their laughter, their last moments, flashed behind my eyelids. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.”
Alejandro knelt in front of me, his hands gently taking my face, forcing me to look at him. His eyes were filled with compassion, not pity. “It’s okay, Colton. It’s okay to feel that guilt. It’s okay to mourn them,” he said softly. “But they wouldn’t want you feeling this way. They’d want you to live. And right now, you’re not living, Colton.” He squeezed my face, his voice firm. “This is not a setback, Colton. This is just another step for you to overcome. You’ve come too far in the last month to let one sound derail you. You faced it. You came back. That’s strength.”
Later that night, I was back in the quiet solitude of the cabin, lying in my bed. I’d managed to fix Mrs. Henderson’s porch steps, which was a welcome in the aftermath of the panic attack. But now, my mind replayed the scene in the woods.
Alejandro was right. I couldn’t let this be a setback. Johnson, Riley, Miller… they wouldn’t want me drowning in guilt, wasting the second chance they never got. I owed it to them to live.
I reached for my phone, my thumb hovered over Ember’s contact as I typed out a quick message.
Firefly
Just lying in bed. Thinking about you and wanted to say goodnight.
I miss you.
I stared at the screen for a couple of minutes, and just as I was about to set my phone on the side table, assuming Ember was either asleep already, or she was too busy to respond, it chimed.
Hey Soldier
I’m in bed too. I’m glad to hear from you. I like that your words are the last I hear, or read in this case, before I go to sleep.
Goodnight Colton.
And just like that, another two weeks had passed. The panic attack from two weeks ago, the gunshot sound, still lingered in my memory but I refused to let it set me back. I was taking control of my life and not going to allow things like that to send me spiraling. I wouldn’t let it have power over me. Alejandro and I had spent countless hours at the cabin, talking, working through exercises, slowly but surely chipping away at the walls I’d built. He’d seen the shift in me, the subtle lessening of the tension I carried when I first met him melted away. He’d confirmed what I already felt deep down: I’d made significant progress. It was time. Time to go home.
Chapter 29
Ember
It’s been a couple days since my “date” with Jake and while he’s not a bad guy, and the date was good, I’m glad it’s over. All I thought about was Colton and how we really seemed to be making progress. The entire night I felt nothing but guilt for being out with another guy- friend or not, when it was Colton I wanted to be with.
I haven’t spoken to Colton since the night I went out with Jake, but everything seemed ok. He didn’t seem angry or upset, he even sent a goodnight text. But since then he’s been a little off.
I’m trying not to think the worst, and my family even is telling me not to worry, but with Colton’s track record, I can’t help it.
