But it’s not the fire of anger burning in his stare. It’s notburningat all. Instead, shadows swirl in his eyes, darkening them. Still, I can decipher the emotions churning in them.
Grief. Pain.
Once more I lift my hand—both hands—to his face, cupping it, tipping his head down so he has no choice but to meet my gaze as I say, “That’s. Utter. And. Complete. Bullshit.”
“She was right,” he rasps, that dead quality in his voice finally gone. But the replacement, the hoarseness and heaviness as if a thousand-pound weight bore the tone down, is just as terrible.
“No.” I shake my head. “No,” I repeat, vehemently. Louder.
“Not about wanting Connor’s death. Never that. I could never—” He breaks off, and his head briefly drops before he raises it and meets my scrutiny again.
“Knox, you don’t need to tell me that,” I insist, stroking my thumb across his cheekbone. “You loved Connor—”
“I wanted you,” he states. Flatly. His body is a statue of skin and blood above me. The rise and fall of his chest the only movement. “I wanted you even while you were married to my brother.”
“What?” An electric shock ripples through me, and I blink at him, not fully comprehending what he said. Not certain I heard him. Not with this dull roar infiltrating my head.
“Yeah, Eden. I’ve wanted you even when you wore my brother’s ring. And I don’t know how, but Mom somehow guessed it.” He shakes his head. “Here I’d thought I’d done a damn good job of hiding it.”
“You did,” I assure him, still unable to speak above a whisper.Years. Knox had desired me foryears. “I never knew…” I trail off.
“You weren’t supposed to. You were Connor’s, and if he were here, alive, you still would be. And nothing,nothingwould’ve made me interfere in that. But I guess I fucked up somewhere, because Mom knew. She never said anything, until the night he died. And when she calmed down after making those accusations, she made me promise to leave you alone because you belonged to Connor. So, I did. I promised I’d never touch you. Never claim you for myself.” He pauses, and in his gaze, I read what’s coming next. I tense my fingers, already sliding them down toward his mouth to cover it. To prevent him from uttering those words I don’t want to hear. No matter how true I know they are. “I broke one part of that vow. I won’t break the other.”
He’d touched me. But he wouldn’t claim me.
Of course, he can’t. If his family—ourfamily—discovered about what had been happening between us… IfKatherinediscovered it… Both of us would lose everything important to us. The people we loved most.
I knew all of this. Agreed with it.
And yet his words still strike me in the chest like a balled fist.
“I’ve already fucked up. But if all we have is tonight, I’m not wasting it. So don’t say anything about leaving this room. Think about it, because I am, too. If I had any kind of dignity or conscience, I would let you go. But I don’t. Not right now. No one’s going to come looking for us. Hakim’s let me use this room before when I’ve crashed here after being too drunk or tired to drive home. So for the next few hours, we lock ourselves in and fuck whatever this is out of our system,” he murmurs. “Please.”
Since speaking is beyond my capability at the moment, I nod. Because the perverted, twisted thing is that after two mind-blowing orgasms, my body is heating for him again. I’m already aching for his possession once more.
And as he lowers his head and takes my mouth, I let tomorrow—and all the problems and questions that remain unresolved—take care of itself.
Chapter Nine
Knox
Breathing deep, I grasp the two ends of the towel hanging from the pull-up bar and slowly heave myself up until my chin passes my hands. Just as deliberately, I lower my body, then repeat the exercise again and again. By the time my feet finally hit the floor, my arms, shoulders, and lungs are crying out for a break. But I move right into the next rotation of grip work. And from there, on to a session of Farmer’s Walks, carrying a stupidly heavy set of weights back and forth across the gym.
If I focus on my body, then I can’t dwell on the thoughts impatiently knocking on my brain, just waiting for the slightest crack to sneak in and bombard me. At least that’s the theory. Nothing short of a lobotomy could erase the memories of the night before in the guest bedroom of Hakim’s house from my mind. And I even have my doubts about that working.
Bedroom. That one little slip is all it takes for the rest of the flashbacks to bum-rush my head and fill it with pictures of Eden and me with HD clarity.
I’d spent two weeks, most of them out of town at tattoo expos, feverishly working and fortifying my resolve not to surrender to the need and lust that had entrenched themselves under my skin, infiltrated my blood, metastasized in my organs. Yet, the reasons why I had to prevent any more nights like the one at her apartment from every happening again vanished like smoke when she walked into Hakim’s house with another man.
Jealousy isn’t a foreign emotion to me. For three years, I roasted in it as I silently watched Connor and Eden date and marry. And after he died, sick fuck that I am, I strangled on envy because of how she mourned him, couldn’t see anyone else because of her love and grief for him, while I mourned him, too. I never claimed to be a good man. A good man doesn’t crave what his brother has, doesn’t love his brother’s wife. The only honorable thing I could credit to myself was keeping my hands off her, maintaining a platonic relationship.
Then I fucked that up, too.
Jesus. I quit mid-Farmer’s Walk and set the dumbbells down on the floor. Straightening, I tip my head back and stare blindly up at the ceiling. Will my johnson not to tent the front of my running shorts. It was ten on a Sunday morning in Jake’s, not my usual 6 a.m., so other people are here working out. Damn if I’m going to grant them a show of How to Let Your Dick Call the Shots.
Snatching up my water bottle off the floor, I drink about half of it. Maybe trying to drown out the reel of images from last night and early this morning. I didn’t unlock that door until almost three o’clock, after I’d given her two more orgasms, and I’d been balls-deep inside her another time. The party had still been going strong, and thankfully, no one had noticed our absence. But, yeah, I hadn’t been thinking with my responsible head, and taking that chance had been foolish.
And my fear is I would do it again in a nanosecond.
