My illness.Her bloody illness. If she hadn’t been sick for all those years when she was younger, things would have been so different.
After a year of helping out in her mother’s boutique, she decided to take a gap year off. She had longed to go travelling ever since she was small, inspired by all those years being holed up at home clutching a sick bucket. Her mother had a small amount of savings that she gifted to her and Ellie took off to Southeast Asia. She found she could make her money stretch a long way as the cost of living was so low and, because she was good-natured and pretty, other travellers were keen for her company. It was the first time Ellie had really experienced a carefree life. In Indonesia, while she was volunteering at a sea-life sanctuary, diving in the ocean to count and monitor species of tropical fish, it didn’t matter that she was an academic failure.
Ellie loved what she did and worked hard, so they offered her a paid job. The salary was barely anything but Ellie didn’t care. While she was working with the other staff protecting the turtles at laying season, she forgot all about her disastrous childhood, the years of feeling like an outcast, of not fitting into school life, of longing for her older sister to take some notice of her.
A year passed quickly and then, in one of her mother’s emails, Ellie heard that Abby had graduated with her predicted first-class honours and had landed a management trainee position with a prestigious shipping firm in London. For a moment Ellie got a pang of homesickness, although when she delved deeper inside herself, she knew it was more than that. Abby had a good job, one with prospects and the potential for dazzling rewards and status. As much as she loved working at the sanctuary, Ellie was under no illusion that it was a permanent fixture. Neither was she going to get rich working there.
She managed to hang on for another year, then some of the funding dried up and she had to leave. She returned to the UK on a cold, wet November morning, aware that it would be as difficult to find a job as when she’d left with her pathetic GCSE grades. Nine utterly broke months later, after scores of rejections, she managed to get accepted onto a teaching assistant training programme – back at her old school which she’d left as a pupil only a few years before. The pay was laughable, but at least it was something. Ellie was deeply relieved and allowed herself a treat to celebrate. Something she’d never usually have, as it was so expensive – but this was a special occasion – she bought a bottle of Laurent-Perrier Rosé, feeling dangerous but deserving. She put it on her new credit card, telling herself she’d pay it off when she got her first pay packet in a month’s time. That evening, she and Susanna sat out in the late August sunshine, in the tiny garden in Redhill, and toasted her future.
‘To success!’ said Susanna, holding up her flute.
Ellie smiled and touched her mum’s glass with her own.
‘I knew you’d make it,’ said Susanna proudly.
‘It’s not CEO of a multi-national corporation,’ said Ellie, but she couldn’t help feeling a little bit pleased with herself. It was a well-known fact that teaching assistants were paid a pittance, trainee ones even more so, but after all these months, she’d got herself a job. She finally had reason to feel a sense of achievement.
Two days later, Ellie and Susanna received an email from Abby. She’d written to tell them she’d completed her trainee programme and had been offered a manager position within the company. Ellie tried hard to be pleased but later she secretly googled and found her sister’s job on the company website. Her eyes were immediately drawn to one thing and one thing only: the salary. It was over four times what Ellie had been offered in her new role. And it was only Abby’s first real position in the company!
Ellie suddenly got a massive wake-up call. The chasm between herself and her sister was widening ever further – Abby was going to be a corporate superstar, commanding six-figure salaries and travelling all over the world for business. Ellie would be lucky if she was offered a proper teaching position. She tried her best not to mind, but it was impossible.
Susanna was as supportive as ever. ‘You had a different start in life. That illness. You’ve done really well.’
Ellie nodded, used to the platitudes. ‘What was it? My illness?’
A shadow crossed over Susanna’s face. ‘They never found out.’
SIXTY-SIX
Susanna hadn’t slept well. Her night had been invaded by dreams. She’d had a sense of attaining intense wealth, of knowing she could afford anything she set her gaze on. But what would ordinarily have given her a blast of pleasure instead made her wake in panic and fear. She’d risen early, showered and dressed, all the while thinking about her mother’s proposal. It was an ugly one, that much she recognized, but people had done worse for money and there was the ever-present question of survival. Susanna was aware she wasn’t getting any younger.
She continued the morning with routine tasks in the hope it might distract her.Don’t think about the money, just get yourself some breakfast.But as she chopped a melon, she imagined the large kitchen at her mother’s house. She washed the plate knowing she had the opportunity to never wash a dish again. Instead she’d be able to employ someone, a cleaner who would make chores a thing of the past.But it’s all wrong, she constantly reminded herself. She’d have to confess to those heinous acts. A mother who harmed her own children – who could ever forgive such a thing?
When Kathleen knocked on the door, Susanna had been in a state of pent-up expectation for several hours. She stood aside to allow her mother to enter the house.
‘We’re going out,’ said Kathleen.
Susanna saw the taxi behind her in the drive, engine still idling.
‘What?’
‘A picnic. Come on, it’s all arranged.’ Kathleen turned and went back to the car.
Susanna hovered for a moment, then with a sense of unease got her bag.
‘I can’t be outside, remember,’ she said, pointing at her face as she got into the back. Her mother was sitting next to her, dressed impeccably in linen culottes and a short-sleeved blouse.
Kathleen waved a hand dismissively. ‘Don’t worry about that. I’ve got it all sorted.’ She removed her sunglasses and fixed Susanna with a warm smile. It was so unusual, Susanna found herself looking away.
‘We’re going to have fun,’ said Kathleen. ‘A bit of mother and daughter time.’
Susanna was unsure how to react. This new, maternal Kathleen was alien to her. She’d go with it for a while, as it was sure to wear off before too long.
They drove inland, then west, up into the hills along winding roads that revealed mind-blowing views of the island.
‘Where are we going?’ asked Susanna.
‘It’s a surprise,’ said Kathleen, and she looked so pleased with herself, Susanna left it at that. She stared out of the window, drinking in the beauty of the island, wondering if her mother was going to bring up the previous night’s conversation. But Kathleen stayed silent, seemingly entranced by the views herself.
