Susanna knew to lower herself into it. She waited as her mother took a sip of the juice then laid her head back and closed her eyes. Susanna watched her, as a gazelle might view a sleeping lion. After a moment, the glass began to tip in Kathleen’s hand. Susanna hesitated, unsure of whether to act, then as it tipped further, she got up, alarmed. She reached out her hand.
‘Leave it,’ said Kathleen, her eyes still shut.
Susanna froze.
‘Sit down.’
She retreated to her seat.
‘You can tell me the truth, you know,’ said Kathleen. ‘I know you poisoned Ben and I know you did the same to Ellie when she was small.’
Susanna looked at her mother’s face, old now. She could see the folds on her neck, the lined skin. Despite the fact Kathleen wasn’t even looking at her, Susanna was too intimidated to form a robust denial. ‘I didn’t,’ she said. ‘You’re wrong.’
Kathleen smiled, a mocking, dismissive smile. Her eyes popped open. ‘And there I was hoping for honesty, but I can understand why you won’t admit it. I didn’t treat you right when we cut you off. A lot of what you have become is my responsibility.’
Susanna didn’t know what to say, what was expected of her. She stayed silent.
‘It was hard for you. Financially.’ Kathleen took another sip of her drink. ‘I’m well aware of how you survived.’
The knots in her stomach tightened. ‘I got a job.’
‘Yes, yes, a piddly little thing in a clothes shop. Could’ve barely kept you in toilet tissue. No, it was your ex-husband’s alimony that stopped you going under.’
Susanna’s stomach started to churn. She considered just getting up and walking out of the room – knew she should, if she had the courage – but the part of her that despised herself knew she wouldn’t be able to do it.
‘Hedidn’t pay, though, did he? Humiliating enough that he left you because you turned out to be penniless, but for his new wife, the one who’d dazzled him with her millions, for her to be the one who paid your monthly allowance...Devastating, I should imagine.’
Susanna sat, writhing in misery.
‘If we hadn’t cut you off, would he have stayed with you? Was your money good enough? I rather think it would have been.’
‘I hate you!’
‘Just like a child, lashing out. My God, you’re in your late fifties now, surely you’ve grown up? My fault again, I suppose. I think it’s time I made amends.’
Susanna wasn’t sure if she’d heard right at first. Not the words – she was familiar with her mother dropping bait in order to manipulate – but it was her tone. It had sounded strangely contrite. A word she would never attribute to her mother. She remained wary. ‘What do you mean?’
‘When Matteo called me, of course I came to see what’s happened to my grandchildren. But I was also curious to see you. It’s been so many years.’ She paused, portentously. ‘Time has slipped by. And I don’t have long left.’
Shocked, Susanna sat up. ‘What is it...? Cancer?’
Kathleen’s eyes flashed in exasperation. ‘Goddammit, Susanna, do you always have to be so...’
Stupid,thought Susanna instantly.
Her mother pulled herself up short. Took a breath. ‘Old age, for crying out loud. Simple old age. Except there’s nothing simple about it.’ She sighed. ‘It’s a great leveller. It gives you a perspective on life that’s impossible when you’re young. It’s why I think it’s time we were truthful with one another. Apologize where an apology is due.’ Kathleen held up a hand. ‘I know I should be first in line. I’m guilty of worse crimes to you than you are to me. But that’s why I thought you might understand. How, as a mother, I feel remorse at how I treated my child. I thought we should both come clean, confide in one another. Each of us is guilty of harming our children, albeit in different ways.’
‘I—’
‘Please, let me finish. I am old and I am tired of dishonesty. I rattle around in that huge house with all my money and I’ve realized I haven’t even been honest with myself. I owe you, Susanna, for past misdemeanours. I have nothing to give to you except what was rightfully yours, all those years ago. It’s your legacy. But as I wish to confess, so I think you should too. Strip us both of the blankets behind which we hide our crimes. Take us both back to the beginning. How it should have been.’
Susanna was struggling to take it all in. She shook her head. ‘Sorry, do you mean...you’re going to...’ She couldn’t say it.
Kathleen smiled. ‘Give you everything. Yes. When I die, you should have it all. But I can’t go to my grave with us like this. Call it catharsis if you like. I’m being selfish. Old age has made me want to atone. Maybe it’s what happens when you stare mortality in the face. I think you’re more like me than you know. And that makes me feel less lonely.
‘So what do you think? I’m asking you to be brave and honest. No judgements. I know it’s all because of me anyway. I want to hear what I’ve been responsible for so I can apologize. It’ll be between you and me. And I’ll thank you for it. With your rightful inheritance.’ Kathleen stood. ‘I’m not expecting you to decide now, I realize that’s unfair of me. These are big things to admit to.’
She made her way to the front door, Susanna following.
