‘You little—’ said Kathleen.
‘No, Mother. It’s true. I have never told anyone this, not in all these years.’ Susanna started to break down. ‘I didn’t see it. I couldn’t stop it, and then it was too late.’
‘Stop what?’ asked Matteo.
‘Abby added salt to Ben’s meals. Over those three days.’
‘She was two years old,’ scoffed Kathleen.
‘It is terrifyingly simple. A teaspoon is enough to kill a child of his age. She was excited at first, at the idea of a baby brother, but when he came along, took up my time, began to crawl, broke her toys, she soon had enough. She would scream at him, and hit him once when he destroyed her Lego.’
Susanna bristled at the sceptical look on her mother’s face.She needs to hear this, she thought. ‘Abby would ask me why I moved the salt cellar off the table when he was old enough to sit with us in his high chair. And I told her. I said it was because salt wasn’t very nice for babies.’ Suddenly Susanna deflated. ‘After he’d died I couldn’t work out how he’d had so much. For years I tormented myself, assuming I’d left the shaker within his reach one time and he’d eaten some. But when I saw Abby putting paracetamol in Ellie’s milk, it all fell into place.Shehad done it. I’d told her again and again that salt was bad.’ Susanna looked up. ‘But if you’re going to blame anyone, you might as well blame me anyway. I didn’t make her feel she could accept him. I failed her as well as him.’
Susanna glanced at her mother. A new emotion flitted across Kathleen’s face: uncertainty.
‘Call me a bad mother, go ahead. I deserve it. But I am the one who knows my children best. And I’m telling you now, Abby’s never changed. And if you don’t listen to me, then I am convinced Ellie will be harmed. Argue with me all you like but what if you’re wrong? How will you feel then? Because believe me, it’s hell having the death of a child on your conscience.’
FORTY-EIGHT
Around them were fields, miles and miles of green that reached far towards the horizon right to the base of the Pyrenees. The lower slopes of the mountains were covered with evergreens, tiny trees clinging like limpets. There were thousands of them, hiding trails and pathways of the national park. Ellie gazed out of the window, wondering if there were people hidden amongst them. Tourists who’d come to enjoy the great outdoors, ordinary people who had nothing more pressing to do each day than decide where to spend their free time, what pleasures to revel in. Maybe there were people there right now, mountain bikes kicking up soil and dust, a picnic in their panniers. She briefly thought of Fredrik – he seemed like a dream now.
A new track came on the radio. It was the summer hit of the year, an upbeat song with a reggae vibe, and it was played frequently. Ellie thought she must have heard it half a dozen times already that morning. Add that to the quota the day before, and the day before that, and she knew pretty much all the lyrics by heart. A summer anthem that, as all anthems did, would bring back memories. Ellie tried to picture the future but came up with a blank. Would she be back at school, helping disinterested teens with the intricacies of natural global ecosystems? It felt like a lifetime ago that she had been in a classroom – an ordinary life that she could no longer grasp.
The car hummed along. The track finished on the radio. The road ahead still beckoned. On and on and on. There had been very few other cars – only the occasional vehicle had passed them. Most likely kept to the motorways and the trunk roads. Certainly no police had materialized. Ellie had a sense of being utterly lost and alone. No one knew where they were. No one was coming to save her. The chance she’d created, the opportunity she’d offered up, had been squandered. Just think, if Abby had stayed asleep for just ten, fifteen minutes more, they would have been caught. They would be in a police station right now, separated. They’d be being interviewed. She’d be safe.
‘I need to pee,’ said Abby, wriggling in her seat.
Ellie glanced down at the map. It was a little easier to read now; the blurring had abated. There were no towns or villages for miles.
‘Layby?’ she suggested.
A mile or so on, there was a stopping point. Abby pulled the car in and turned off the engine.
‘Won’t be a moment,’ she said and jumped out. She ran around the car and behind some brush that made a natural cover. Ellie looked in the wing mirror – she could just see the top of Abby’s head as she squatted.
In a minute she’ll be back, she’ll get in the car again. We’ll drive off, covering more miles – until what?Ellie hated the not knowing; it made her restless. She found it hard to understand her sister would want to hurt her – but she found it equally hard to dismiss her mother’s warnings. The most difficult thing of all was grappling with the idea that her sister had a gun. That cold weapon in her handbag. She tried to reason why Abby might have it. Bears? Ridiculous. Safety? They were in Europe, for God’s sake, not Colombia. Ellie couldn’t equate the person she thought she knew with this person with a gun. Before now, if she’d seen her sister with a gun, she’d have thought she didn’t know her at all.
Which, now she thought about it, she didn’t. Not really. And here she was, going along for the ride like a total idiot. Waiting for her sister to show her cards. In the mirror Abby was pulling her shorts back up.
No one is going to rescue me.Ellie got a surge of adrenaline, suddenly furious at being at Abby’s beck and call. She turned to the back seat. This couldn’t carry on. The not knowing was driving her insane. She pulled Abby’s old blue bag towards her, unzipped it. She felt the cold metal in her hands. Then she stepped out of the car and lifted the weapon, just as Abby was walking back towards her.
Abby stopped dead. Ellie looked at her sister, saw fear and confusion spreading across her face. She glanced down at the gun, wondered if she was holding it right. She wasn’t sure if she really meant to point it at Abby, but what else could she do?
For a moment, neither of them spoke. Then Ellie thought – as she had the upper hand, so to speak – that she’d start.
‘I found this,’ she said, waving the gun, noting Abby flinch as she did so. ‘What’s it for?’
‘Jesus, Ellie, put it down.’ Abby raised her hands, palms outwards in a calming motion. Then she started to walk towards her, which annoyed Ellie. Her sister was so bloody dismissive.
‘Stop!’ she instructed. ‘Do not move. Do not treat me like an idiot.’
Abby folded her arms, which irritated Ellie further. She raised the gun higher and Abby’s face fell instantly.
Good, thought Ellie.Now you know what it feels like to wonder what’s going to happen.For a brief moment Ellie wondered why she hadn’t just asked Abby about the gun, but then in her newfound clarity realized Abby could have simply lied.
‘What are you going to do?’ asked Abby.
‘I just want to know the truth,’ said Ellie. ‘Why are you driving miles with me, with a gun in your bag?’
