‘Were to me. You couldn’t do a thing wrong. Mum only ever cared about you and your needs.’
‘I wasill,’ said Ellie. ‘As you well knew,’ she added tartly. She looked over at Abby, who was making a point of concentrating on the road.Probably avoiding the conversation, Ellie thought.Well, I want to have it.
‘I always felt guilty, you know. That Mum seemed to...’
‘Yes?’
‘Prefer me. I used to feel sorry for you but at the same time I loved her attention. Loved her.’ She shook her head. ‘So screwed up.’
‘Yes. But not you.’
‘So how much did you hate me?’ asked Ellie.
‘It wasn’t like that,’ said Abby, not altogether convincingly.
Ellie raised an eyebrow. ‘Come on, I want to know.’
‘No, you don’t.’
‘Let’s have it out. Here. Clear the air. It’s been hanging over us for, what...twenty-eight years?’
They were approaching a small village and Abby slowed the car. ‘I think we should get some food,’ she said as they passed a bakery. She turned into a side road and parked up. Without waiting for Ellie, she got out of the car.
Ellie exhaled, exasperated. She waited, drumming her fingers on the dashboard until Abby came back around the corner, hands clutching full paper bags and a bottle of water under each arm.
‘Here,’ said Abby, handing over one of the bags.
The smell coming from inside was intoxicating, but Ellie snatched both bags from Abby and held them out of reach.
‘No,’ she said firmly. ‘Not until you tell me.’
Abby laughed, unsure. ‘Are you serious?’
Ellie moved the bags even further away.
‘OK...’ said Abby. ‘Well, sometimes I used to pretend the milk you were pouring on your cornflakes was bleach. Then you’d die and be out of the way and Mum would finally pay me some attention.’
Ellie’s jaw dropped. ‘Oh my God. That’s horrific.’
‘I was young. Eight.’
‘You wanted me dead?’
‘Don’t all children wish their siblings dead at one point or another?’
‘No!’
‘Course they do. You just don’t remember.’
Abby wiggled her fingers and, still stunned, Ellie wordlessly handed over the paper bag of food.
‘That’s the wrong one, said Abby. ‘That’syours.’
‘Oh,’ Ellie said, and handed Abby the other bag.
As Abby started the car, she looked over. ‘Come on,’ she insisted, ‘you should eat.’
Ellie looked into her own bag. She realized she was starving and, as they drove away, she pulled out the pastry and took a big bite.
