I wished I had something shimmery or sparkly or anything a little more New Year’s Eve. But this would have to do. Besides, last time I’d put it on, I hated how short it was. This time? My legs were still tanned and toned from my runs on the beach. And it wouldn’t be the first time I caught Miller staring at my legs. I wanted him to take one look at me and not be able to remain “just friends.” Or whatever we were.
Yes, sometimes thoughts of Matt still came out of nowhere, hitting me like a ton of bricks. But Matt and I had never spent a New Year’s Eve together. Miller and I had. Last year he was very professional and we watched the ball drop without kissing, toasting the new year with sparkling apple cider.
This year I hoped he was anything but professional. I wanted a New Year’s kiss. Because this year I wasn’t making a resolution to find the courage to flee and find Matt. I’d found all the courage I needed. I was here. With Miller. I’d lost so much over the past couple years. I’d lost so much that I never thought I could keep going. But here I was. Exactly where I wanted to be. And despite what Miller thought, I wasn’t broken. I wasn’t torn in two directions.
My mind was clear. This year, all I wanted was him.
The tires of his car crunched in the snow outside.
My heart started racing as I left the bedroom. Miller had gone out this afternoon to pick up a few ingredients for the lasagna he was making. The sauce was already simmering on the stove. Andthe extra heat made my summery dress almost bearable in the cold.
I stood in front of the door and waited for him.
I started wringing my hands together. What if he still told me no? What if he pushed me away again? I bit the inside of my lip. What if he secretly loved sleeping on the couch and didn’t want to share a bed with me? Hell, what if he didn’t even like me here in his house? What if he kicked me out? I was spiraling. But he was taking forever to come inside…
Miller opened the door. He was holding a grocery bag in one hand and was balancing some logs for the fire under his other arm. He closed the door with his elbow and then froze when he saw me standing there.
I wasn’t dressed like a frumpy lumberjack today. I’d made sure of that. I didn’t care how cold I was. I’d be warm enough as soon as he wrapped his strong arms around me. “Happy New Year’s Eve!” I said.
He cleared his throat. “You look beautiful, Brooklyn.” His eyes trailed down my legs.
It was like his gaze made me feel on fire. Yeah, I definitely wasn’t cold anymore. “Thank you.” I had a whole speech planned out. But my mind was as frozen as Miller’s feet. “Here, let me take that.” I grabbed the grocery bag out of his hand and hurried into the kitchen.Pull yourself together!The worst that could happen was that he’d reject me. And then I’d just try again some other day once more time had passed.
I put the remaining ingredients for the lasagna in the fridge. God, I hated wasting time.Then what the hell are you doing in the kitchen?I took a deep breath and closed the fridge door.
Miller was standing in front of the fire holding his hands out to warm them by the flames.
I’ve got this.
I walked back over to him. I had this scene in my head. But I had no idea if it would play out. Either way, I needed to get this off my chest.
“I think that maybe sometimes I’ll always cry when I think of Matt. It feels like I lost him. The way I lost my mom and uncle.” I swallowed hard.
Miller looked up from the fire.
I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. Usually I could read him pretty well, but not today. I took a deep breath. “He thinks I’m dead. And he feels…dead to me too. I don’t really know how to explain it.” Damn it, this wasn’t coming out right. I stared into the fire instead of at Miller’s face. “What I’m trying to say is that I would never go back to him. He’s as good as dead to me. I was mourning what could have been. And I have no idea why. I’m not a what-could-have-been kind of person.”
I glanced at Miller out of the corner of my eye. I could read him now. He looked…sad. Sad for me. But I didn’t want his pity. I just wanted him to understand.
I turned to face him. “I’m over Matt. I’m not standing here with a broken heart.”
Miller lifted his hand and touched the side of my face. His hands were warm from the fire. But that wasn’t the reason why it felt like I was melting into him. “Then why do you look so sad?”
“I’m not sad.” I pressed my lips together. “I’m scared.”
He moved closer to me. “What are you scared of?”
“Everyone I’ve ever loved…leaves me.”
“Brooklyn.” He put his other hand on the side of my face, cradling my head in his palms. “I would never leave you.”
“But what if I’m bad luck?”
He smiled down at me. “You’re not bad luck, kid.”
I rolled my eyes.
He groaned.
