“I miss you so much.”
Silence.
“I thought I found a new family.” I thought about how accepting all the Caldwells had been. They’d embraced me like I was one of them. “I thought I had a home again.”
Silence.
“Why didn’t you tell me about my dad? Why didn’t you let me visit Uncle Jim more when I was little? Why did you keep a whole part of your life a secret from me?”
Silence.
“I was stronger than you realized. I could have handled the truth. I needed the truth from you.”
Silence.
I wasn’t sure why, but I was mad at her too. I was mad at her for leaving me all alone, knowing that the vultures were circling. Knowing I might wind up with my dad. Knowing I’d have no one. But I didn’t want to be mad. I just wanted to…I stared at the grass. I don’t know what I wanted. A piece of me wished I would actually stop breathing. That I’d die right here. Everyone else already thought I was dead.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at myself.”
Silence.
“Does it stop hurting? Loving someone and them not choosing you back?”
Silence.
But my mom had lived through this pain. My father had chosen Isabella’s mom instead of mine. My mom had loved him. And she’d spent the rest of her life alone.
Matt chose someone else. And I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life missing someone who wasn’t missing me.
I pulled my knees into my chest. “Matt made missing you easier. He made breathing easier. And I don’t know what I’m going to do without him.”
I pictured Miller waiting for me at his new house. It would be easy to go to him. To tell him I was choosing him. But it would be a lie. This didn’t feel like a choice. This decision wasn’t in my hands.
Maybe I should have confronted Matt. Instead, I’d hid. Why hadn’t I come out? He might have been happy to see me.
But he already looked happy.
I lay here missing Matt. Missing Miller. Missing my mom. “What am I going to do?”
Silence.
I wasn’t even sure why I thought she’d be able to give me good advice here. She had terrible taste in men. My father was the worst.
“Please tell me it stops hurting.” I wasn’t even sure what I wanted to stop hurting. My heart? My head? All I wanted to do was climb in my car and drive to Miller. But it wouldn’t be fair to him. I couldn’t go there unless I knew for sure he was what I wanted. And right now my heart was broken.
I closed my eyes. I thought coming here would make me feel closer to my mom. But it didn’t. She felt…dead. The cold, hard ground felt nothing like a hug from my mother. But I couldn’t move. I didn’t have anywhere to go.
I pictured dancing with her in our yellow kitchen.
I pictured dancing with Matt in our Halloween costumes.
I pictured dancing with Miller on Christmas morning with his silly Santa hat.
I’d had so much love in my life and I’d lost it all.
I was cursed.
But then my mom’s words came back to me. Words I’d heard her say all the time. The best thing I’d ever learned from her.Time is precious. Don’t waste it.
