Yes, I’d been torn for the last nine months. But I’d kept Miller at arm’s length. Because I couldn’t move on so easily. My feelings for Matt had been real. I loved him. I loved that boy so much it hurt. It really fucking hurt right now. Like I couldn’t breathe.I can’t breathe.
It had been a while since I’d had a panic attack.
Because Miller made me feel safe.
There was no need to panic when he was by my side.
But now? I had nothing. And no one.I have no one.I’d put all my faith in Matt. All of it. But he was perfectly okay with me being gone. Blissful even. Fucking some random girl in his pool without a care in the world.
I should have walked out of those bushes and fucking slapped him. Confronted him for not keeping his promises to me. But what was the point? There was nothing he could say to fix this. Nothing.
I needed out of this yard. Out of this city.
Matt thought I was dead. And he was happy with that. And even though I was mad at him…I did want him to be happy. Of course I did. Because I still fucking loved him. He was happy without me. So it was better that I stayed dead. It’s what he wanted.
I pushed myself up off the ground. And I ran. I ran away and I didn’t look back. My tears blurred my vision.
I didn’t even know where I was going. I couldn’t think about anything but getting away from him.
He didn’t want me.
He’d moved on.
He thinks you’re dead.
But what did that matter? Based on the pictures my dad showed me, he hadn’t even mourned at all. He was happy I was gone. Blissfully happy with someone new.
I stopped running when I realized I was standing beneath James’ treehouse. I looked both ways to make sure no one was looking and climbed up the ladder. I slowly peeked my head inside to see if it was empty. The coast was clear. So I climbed up the rest of the way.
I curled into a ball and cried.
I cried until my lungs hurt.
And my whole body was exhausted.
I hated that I was mad. It was selfish. I told myself I wanted Matt to be happy. But maybe he was right about me the whole time…I was a liar. Because I was fucking pissed that he was so happy without me.
I hated him.
I loved him.
And I cried because I hated myself. I hated myself for wanting him to be miserable. But if he’d just waited…
Stop.
It didn’t matter. He hadn’t waited. I couldn’t undo what he’d done. And I wasn’t going to mess up his life any more than I had.
I sniffed and sat up. I stared at the photos tacked to the wall.
All the Untouchables smiling and happy.
They were happy again now. My dad had shown me pictures. He’d shown pictures of Kennedy and Felix happy too. Everyone was happier with me gone. Happier that I was dead.
I hadn’t wanted to believe it.
But I did now.
Everyone’s glad you’re dead.
