“You can’t be angry with me right now,” he said. “You know how I feel about you.”
I shook my head.
He grabbed my chin and forced me to look at him. “Ask me to kiss you again when you’re not pissed off at the world. Ask me when you mean it. I’m not doing this again as a substitute for what you really want. Ask me when I’m your first choice.” He let his fingers fall from my chin. “And then I’ll say yes.”
My heart was racing. And it wasn’t because I was out of breath from my run anymore. I wanted to ask him again right now. Because he was looking at me like he wanted to kiss me. But…I’d seen him look at me like that a lot since we’d been shacked up together. I’m sure I’d looked at him the same way.
We were friends right now for a reason. Because a friend was all I needed. Right?
I wasn’t looking at him like a friend anymore though. I felt betrayed. I felt empty. I felt…like I’d made the wrong choice last fall. I’d messed up. Miller was patient. And kind. And gorgeous. I even found the small scar on his cheek beautiful. He was amazing.
I loved Miller. And I’d been slowly falling in love with him.
And I hated myself. I hated myself for being a hypocrite.
I was in love with two people at the same time. And only one of them was staring back at me. I couldn’t tell him I was all in when half my heart was with Matt though. So instead, I just nodded.
“Race you back?” Miller said.
“I have a better idea.” I looked around to make sure the beach down here was clear and pulled off my sweaty shirt.
Miller just stared at me.
“I bet the water feels amazing right now.”
He shook his head. “I bet it’s freezing.”
“There’s only one way to find out.” I kicked off my shoes and pulled down my spandex shorts.
“What are you doing?”
I pretended like I was about to take my sports bra off.
“I swear if you take that off, I won’t be able to control myself.”
I laughed, even though I knew he was serious. “Are you going to join me?” I really was feeling destructive. But for the first time in months I also felt alive.
He shook his head as I slowly backed into the water.
“I dare you,” I said.
He rolled his eyes.
“I’m going to need someone to keep me warm if it’s cold.”
He shook his head.
I turned around and ran into the water. He was right. It was fucking freezing. I dove into a wave and came up for air. When I turned around Miller was gone. For a second I frowned but then he came up out of the water too.
“You win,” I said. “It’s freaking freezing in here.”
He pulled me close.
I wrapped my legs around him in the water and held him tight. And I breathed easily for the first time since I’d seen the pictures. I loved Matt. But I didn’t remember feeling this close to him. There was something about the way Miller and I fit. From the second we met…I felt like we were equals. With Matt I never felt good enough.
I rested my chin on Miller’s shoulder and breathed him in. It was selfish of me to do this. And yet…I couldn’t stop.
His breath was warm in my ear.
