I stopped kissing him, but I didn’t pull away. I rested my forehead against his. “That fall. And winter. And spring. And summer. Despite what my dad told me. Despite the pictures. I was loyal to you, Matt.”
He reached up and tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear.
“And I prayed that you’d find me. That somehow, you’d show up and rescue me.”
“I tried,” Matt said. “I hired so many private investigators. I tried until my mom grew so worried that she forced me to stop. Because you were dead. And I had to accept that.” He shook his head.
“Kennedy told me that you tried.” I hadn’t believed it. But…Matt had never stopped loving me. He was still staring at me like he loved me. But he wouldn’t be soon.
“I wish I’d tried harder.”
I shook my head. I didn’t need him to apologize. I was the one that believed my dad’s lies. I’d given up on him too. And he needed to know that. “Sometimes my dad would visit, but it was mostly just Miller and me at the beach house. We were kind of…playing house. We were both taking online courses. We cooked all our meals together. We hung out. We got really close. It was just us…locked in a cage.”
“Okay.”
This wasn’t coming out right. Being with Miller had never felt like I was in a cage. He’d made sure of it. If anything, even back then, it felt like…home.
And how could I sit in Matt’s lap feeling like home too? It didn’t make any sense. But I also didn’t move away.
“He really helped me,” I said. “And he…he defended you. I need you to know that. He tried to show me that you looked sad in all the pictures. He said it wasn’t fair to be mad at you because you thought I was dead. But it was really hard not to be upset.”
“Okay,” he said again.
But it wasn’t okay. And we both knew it. “I was a mess. But I was loyal to you. I never once kissed him. But I was falling for him. Iwas trying to tell myself I wasn’t. I was trying to find a way back to you. And then that summer…I did.”
He didn’t say anything at all as he stared at me.
“I know people grieve in different ways. I know we’re different.” I believed Tanner when he said Matt grieved differently than me. I did. But there was one thing I didn’t know how to let go of. “But I came home. To you.” This wasn’t coming out right. “I drove to your parents’ house. And I saw you. Out back. Having sex with some girl in your pool…”
“What?”
“You looked so happy.”
“I wasn’t happy, Brooklyn. I was barely holding on.”
“But you were laughing. Smiling. You were…you were having sex with her. You were happy.”
“I wasn’t happy. I was slowly dying without you. I was just trying to feel something, anything.”
“All I know is that you promised me forever. And it didn’t look like that anymore. For months, I wanted to believe that you were loyal to me too. But you…”
“It was just sex. I don’t even remember who it was with. It was nothing.”
“It was James’ sister.”
Realization crossed his eyes. “Right. Yeah. I remember. And like I just said, it didn’t mean anything. We were just fooling around. I’ve never dated anyone but you.” He shook his head. “Until Kennedy. Before that, I only ever flirted. I hooked up. That was it. And the only reason I dated Kennedy was because I sat on your grave and begged you for a sign. I begged you to help me. And then Kennedy showed back up in my life. I thought you were telling me to be with her. I thought…” He shook his head. “Fuck, Brooklyn. Why didn’t you say anything when you saw me in that pool?”
“Because my father told me you were happier that I was dead. And it looked like that was true.”
“So you just…left? Without saying anything to me?”
I nodded. “You have to understand, I was living in isolation. In fear. My dad was whispering lies in my ears. And you looked happy in that pool. And I remembered making you really unhappy on Thanksgiving. God, it was so easy to remember that moment because it was our last. It’s still seared into my brain. You hated me…”
“I didn’t hate you. It was just a fight. A stupid argument.” He was blinking away tears. “And Jen meant nothing. I was so empty.”
My heart ached for him. But I wasn’t sorry. Because I’d gotten Miller. I’d gotten happiness. And sitting here on Matt’s lap, I felt so selfish. So foolish. So wrong about the boy I once promised forever. He’d meant what he promised. He’d meant it. I was the only one who had broken our promises.
“I just wanted you to be happy,” I said. “Even if it was without me.”
