But it felt like they were rubbing their happiness in my face. When I was already drowning. And it was ironic because Matt used to be the one to take away my pain. And now the sight of him just made it worse.
I swallowed down the lump in my throat.
No.I was happy for them. I was. I forced myself to smile even though it hurt. This was what I wanted. For him to be happy. That was always all I’d ever wanted.
I held my breath and counted to ten.
This was for the best.
Kennedy deserved happiness. Matt deserved happiness. And Kennedy was amazing. He couldn’t find someone better.
“Mommy,” Jacob said. He’d left Scarlett and climbed into my lap. “Are you okay?”
“I’m okay.”
“Snuggies?”
I smiled and hugged him, peppering his face in kisses. He always knew how to cheer me up. “Look, Empire High has the ball,” I said.
He turned in my lap and didn’t seem to mind that I kept my arms around him. I focused on the game and not the sidelines.
Miller would have been so excited to take Jacob to his first game. And obviously, he wouldn’t have chosen this particular one. But I was going to be the parent that Jacob needed me to be. I’d promised Miller to keep doing things that would have made all three of us happy.
The receiver caught the ball and ran past the bench. Kennedy threw her arms around Matt as they cheered. I heard laughter in the seats around me. Jacob was cheering too. I closed my eyes and hugged my son tight. If I closed my eyes hard enough I could pretend that Miller was beside us. That we were still happy too.
Homecoming - Chapter 36
Saturday
Brooklyn
The game dragged on. Not that it was boring. It just felt like my heart was in my throat. The Empire High Eagles were winning by three touchdowns. The game was in the bag. But I doubted I’d get Jacob to agree to leave. It wasn’t even halftime yet. And he was sitting next to Scarlett laughing again.
I’d been polite. I’d met Rob’s wife, Daphne. And Mason’s wife, Bee. I’d put on a fake smile. I’d talked about the weather. And I’d filled Felix in on what happened.
Now I just wanted to go home.
Not home to my new house in the city. But home home. I wanted to curl up in a ball in the bed I’d shared with Miller and cry myself to sleep.
And I couldn’t stop hearing his words in my head.“I know there was someone before me. I know you still think about him sometimes.”
I looked back down at my lap. I didn’t want it to be true. It couldn’t be true.
I was over Matt.
I’d been over him for years.
I’d had an amazing life with Miller. I loved him so much that I physically ached. My whole body hurt. And yet…I couldn’t look at Matt on the field without tears welling in the corners of my eyes. Why?
“I need you to know that I’m okay if you choose him now. Because I never want you to stop smiling.”
I fiddled with my wedding band.
“Don’t waste another second of your time on this earth. Will you promise me that? Do this one last thing for me?”
I wanted to be able to promise Miller I’d follow his letter. I lifted my gaze back to the field. Matt was looking up at the stands. Like he was searching for someone. Probably his friends. I ducked my head down.
Being with Matt wasn’t the answer. It couldn’t be.
