But I had a nagging feeling that Felix wasn’t the only thing from our past that could ruin us. I knew better than anyone that young love didn’t just fade away. I looked up into the stands like I always did when I entered the stadium. Like I was searching for Brooklyn in the crowd. A reflex that I needed to stop if I ever wanted to move forward. Thinking about her would do nothing but get me in trouble.
Homecoming - Chapter 34
Saturday
Brooklyn
I rummaged through a few boxes, trying to find something to wear to the Empire High homecoming football game. Tanner had done what I’d asked and left most of my things at the lake house, so there weren’t many options. But I hoped I’d find something that worked.
I smiled when I found my old beat up Keds. It had been forever since I’d worn them. Over the years they’d gotten more and more run down. There was practically a hole in both soles. But I was feeling sentimental today. And they didn’t just remind me of my mom now. They reminded me of my uncle too, when he’d fixed them for me. It felt like putting on armor as I laced them up.
For a second I just sat there staring at the shoes.
They didn’t just remind me of my mom and uncle.
They reminded me of Matt. He’d told me he liked them. Even when I’d worn them with a dress.
I was about to unlace them, but then I froze. Because they also reminded me of Miller. My feet sinking in the snow as I walked up to him on Christmas morning at the lake house. After finally finding my way back to him.
And not just that…but he’d gone out of his way to find my Keds after Isabella had made me strip in the middle of nowhere to try to get rid of me. The night of homecoming 16 years ago.
The good was mixed with the bad.
I’d had a lot of memories in these shoes.
And I felt different wearing them. Stronger somehow. And I needed that today.
But I didn’t come in here for shoes. I needed one of my old Empire High t-shirts. I doubted anyone I knew would be going to the homecoming game today. If I’d graduated there it would be….what? My 14threunion? A nice non-round number that no one would bother celebrating. And based on the things James and Mason had told me, it didn’t seem like any of them felt a pull to the school. They’d wanted to leave it all behind them. Just like I did.
Some people said that high school was the best years of their lives. I wasn’t one of those people. Isabella had made sure of it.
I opened another box and stopped when I felt the leather sleeve. I slowly picked up Matt’s old varsity jacket. I stared at the big E on the front. I was pretty sure I’d lived in this thing for weeks when Matt and I were dating.
I couldn’t believe I still had it. And I don’t know why, but I just kept staring at it. And staring. Until I eventually lifted the jacket to my nose and took a deep breath, wondering if I could still smell him. Or rather, smell that fall.
But it just smelled like the cardboard box it had been sitting in for the past 16 years. I sighed and put the varsity jacket back in the box. I didn’t even remember what he smelled like anyway. And I wasn’t sure why I was even thinking about whathe smelled like. I wasn’t going to get close enough to smell him tomorrow when I talked to him. I was just going to…tell him what happened.
I kept staring at the jacket.
And maybe apologize. Because if what James and Mason had told me was true…Matt hadn’t forgotten about me at all.
No. He’d forgotten me. I’d seen him. He hadn’t looked broken to me. He looked…happy. He looked joyful. Living his life completely content without me.
And he was happy now with Kennedy. And I was happy for them. I wasn’t going to mess up anyone’s life any more than I already had.
I’d found a new home here. I couldn’t explain it, but this house just felt right. Jacob loved the little yard. We’d been dancing when we cooked every day. We were going to be okay.
I closed the lid of the box just as another text came in.
I looked down at the message from Kennedy. She’d asked me to call her as soon as I talked to Matt yesterday. But I’d chickened out. And now I didn’t know what to say.
She texted again: “I can’t keep doing this. I can’t eat. Or sleep. I feel physically sick. I have to tell him.”
I knew that feeling. I’d cooked lots with Jacob and danced around the kitchen. But I barely touched my food. And I couldn’t sleep at all unless I climbed into his small bed at night. Kennedywas sick to her stomach over someone that was alive. I was sick with grief. I loved her. But our pain wasn’t the same. And maybe it was selfish, or maybe I was just a shitty friend…because I had a really hard time feeling bad about this. If I made her wait one more day for her happily ever after with Matt, she’d still get a whole lifetime of it.
I’d only ever have those 15 years with Miller. That’s all I’d ever get. My happily ever after had been cut short. So Kennedy could wait another day for me to find the courage to face my past. And today was a big step. I was going back to Empire High. I’d be facing some of my old demons head on. If anything could give me the strength to confront Matt, it was this. I’d get through today. And then I’d get through tomorrow. And Jacob and I could keep going. Together.
“I’ll tell him,” I texted back.
