I’d do it alone. And that didn’t mean I wasn’t living. Jacob was all I needed. It was us against the world now.
I started crying harder. I hated that Matt was a part of Miller’s goodbye note. I hated that he still plagued my relationship after all these years. And I felt guilty that Miller had to think about that when he was writing this note. I looked back down at his words.I know you loved me too. I know that. Don’t ever doubt that. I knew.
I lay down on the bed and curled in a ball. He knew. He said he knew. I closed my eyes and breathed in his smell from the sheets. I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want to keep going. Why did he have to ask me to promise him the hardest thing?
“Brooklyn,” Tanner said gently.
I slowly opened my eyes as he crouched down next to the bed.
“Is there anything I can get you? Anything at all. Just say the words.”
“I want him back.”
Tanner grabbed my hand. “If I could, I would.”
I tried to wipe away the rest of my tears. “Then I want one of his sweatshirts.”
“I can do that.” Tanner walked over to Miller’s dresser. He opened up a few drawers until he found what he was looking for. “Here you go.” He handed it to me and I pulled it on.
For some reason, I felt a little stronger wearing it. Like Miller’s strength had transferred to me.
“I know this is hard, Brooklyn. But if you smile…eventually it’ll become a real one. Trust me.”
I nodded and gave him what I figured was a pretty pathetic smile. “Does it ever stop hurting?”
He sat down on the bed next to me. “The pain gets less. I’ll let you know if it ever goes away completely.”
“Is your smile fake? Because you smile a lot.”
He laughed, but it sounded sad. “Some days I don’t even know anymore.”
I put my head on his shoulder.
We both sat in silence, listening to Jacob making vroom noises with his toy trucks in the distance.
“Can I ask what the letter said?” Tanner finally asked, breaking the silence.
“Everything he thought I’d need to hear. He wants me to keep living my life.”
“He’s a smart man. I have the exact same philosophy.”
I lifted my head off Tanner’s shoulder. “It was actually mine. I lost my mom when I was young. And then my uncle shortly after. Miller knew how precious time was to me.”
Tanner nodded. “I always knew we’d get along.”
“Always?” I sniffled and then gave him a smile. “We just met, Tanner.”
“Right. Of course. But same friends and all that. It make sense that we’d get along.”
“Yeah, I guess so.” I sighed and wiped my cheeks, but they were finally dry. “It’s probably getting late. We should head back.”
“Is there anything else you want to grab?”
I nodded. “A few things.”
“Take your time, okay?”
But I didn’t want to stay in this room. It was too painful. And I already knew what I wanted. A few more of Miller’s sweatshirtsso I could fall asleep pretending his arms were around me. The bowls and mugs with Miller’s name on them. I wanted Jacob to have them. And I wanted the pictures from our mantel. The one of me and my mom. The one next to it of Miller, Jacob, and I covered in mud after a particularly rainy football game. The one Miller and I had shot on our spur of the moment wedding, the snowflakes falling all around us. And the one of Miller holding Jacob after he was first born.
