“Fuck me out of his system?” I laughed. “No. It didn’t look like that. It looked like…” my voice trailed off. “He was happy.” I exhaled slowly. “And despite how much of a jerk he was to me, I want that for him. Because for just a brief amount of time, he made me happy too, you know?” He’d fixed me just to ruin me all over again. The thing I was still most angry about was all those stupid tears I cried over him. All that time I wasted when I should have been with Miller. Because my time with Miller had been cut way too short.
Kennedy nodded. “I think the two of you could be happy together now.”
I just stared at her. “He’s dating youandPoppy. I think his hands are full.”
Kennedy laughed, but it sounded forced. “I broke it off with him. Yes, I had a slip-up today, but…”
“Does he make you happy?”
“Yeah, but…”
“Like I said…I want him to be happy. And I definitely want you to be happy.”
“I want you to be happy too,” she said.
I nodded. “That’ll never be with Matt though.” I took a deep breath and slowly exhaled. “I hate him more than I ever loved him.”
“Hate is a strong emotion. Almost as strong as love.”
“I don’t love Matthew Caldwell. And despite whatever he’s told you, he doesn’t love me either.” I wasn’t sure he ever had. “I shouldn’t have said I hated him. I just…I’m done letting him hurt me. I’m over him. I’ve been over him for years. So if you want to date him, despite the fact that he’s putting you second, that’s your choice.”
“You know I can’t do that.”
“Yes you can. Kennedy, it’s been 16 years since I dated him. I don’t even know him anymore. If you like him…that’s okay with me.” It had to be okay with me. But I also knew what them dating meant. That eventually I’d have to see him. Hang out with him. Coexist with him. I couldn’t understand Matt with Poppy. But I could understand Matt with Kennedy.
Kennedy was kind and sweet. She had the biggest heart of anyone I knew. It was like I accidentally wished this upon myself when I said Matt should be with anyone but Poppy. I hadn’t meant Kennedy. But this was going to be okay. It had to be.
“I think the years have twisted your memory of him,” said Kennedy. “I swear he’s still the same guy he was in high school.”
No, he was the sameboyhe was in high school. Because he was dating the girl he had real feelings for in secret. He was exactly the same. And I couldn’t believe that Kennedy couldn’t see it. He was going to hurt her just like he hurt me. He’d promise her the world and take it away. And she knew all that. So there wasn’t really anything I could say to stop her. It was her decision.
“You need to tell him that you’re alive,” she said. “I can’t keep this secret for you. It’s tearing me up inside.”
“I…” my voice trailed off. God, I didn’t know what I wanted to do. Stay? Go? Jacob loved it here. He loved Mrs. Alcaraz and Kennedy. And I wasn’t ready to go home yet. I wasn’t sure when I would be. Because it wasn’t a home without Miller. I blinked fast to keep my tears at bay. I’d have to face Matt eventually. And it was better if I did it myself. “I’ll tell him.”
“I can give you his number if you want,” Kennedy said.
I pulled out my cellphone and handed it to her. She typed in his number and handed it back to me.
She stared at me like I was going to call him right this second.
“Tomorrow,” I said. Tomorrow seemed easier than today.
“Okay.” She looked just as upset as when we started this conversation.
She’d been keeping her relationship with Matt a secret from me. Or, end of relationship. Or whatever it was. Because I told her I didn’t want to talk about Matt. And she’d also been keeping my return a secret from Matt. I’d put her in a terrible position.
I didn’t want her to feel bad. About any of it. “You really can keep dating him,” I said. “It’s fine with me.” It had to be.
She shook her head.
“Really, Kennedy. I promise I don’t have feelings for him anymore.”
She eyed me skeptically.
“I knew him half a lifetime ago. I’m not the same person now. And even if I was? There are some things too big to get over.”
Kennedy nodded. “Maybe.”
