“I prefer the trunk.” He winked at me.
I had a lot of questions about that. But none of them mattered right now. I lifted up the overheated, bulky fax machine and followed Nigel out of the warehouse. The squeaking of ratsgrowing louder with every step. If I got rabies, I was going to throw this thing at Nigel’s head.
Homecoming - Chapter 12
Monday
Brooklyn
I wasn’t thinking about where I was going as I ran through Central Park. But my feet seemed to remember the paths I’d walked years ago. And before I knew it, I was at the edge of a bridge. I leaned over to catch my breath instead of crossing it. I wanted to just turn around and run in the opposite direction. Instead, I found myself lifting my head and staring at the restaurant where I’d planned to marry Matt. I’d imagined us taking wedding pictures right here with all our friends. And I had no idea why my feet had led me here.
Despite what my father and Kennedy thought, I didn’t come back to the city for Matt. Honestly, I didn’t even know why I was here. But Jacob was happy. And his happiness made me feel some small semblance of normalcy. And I didn’t know how to keep going without that.
I turned away from the restaurant. No, I had no idea why my feet had led me here. I started running in the opposite direction, pushing thoughts of Matt out of my head.
The farther I ran, the more out of breath I got, the better I felt. There was this doom pressing against my chest. And running made it lighter. Just like it had at the beach house all those years ago. I’d lost people before. I’d loved and lost. And I’d always found a way to pick myself back up.
That wasn’t true. I felt tears running down my cheeks as I ran faster. I’d always found someone to help me pick myself backup. Matt. I shook my head. No. Miller. Miller had always been there to help pick me back up. I’d been mourning the loss of my mother and my uncle when I’d stumbled into Miller’s bed. He’d held me through the night. He’d held me when Matt wasn’t there at the beginning. And he’d held me every night since I’d chosen him.
I wasn’t strong.
And I didn’t know how to lift myself back up from losing him.
I veered off the running path and into the grass. I let myself collapse and cry. How was I supposed to pick myself up without him?
I hugged my knees into my chest.
I hated how weak I felt. I hated being outside my safe bubble back at the lake house. I hated this fucking city and the fucking memories that plagued me. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs like I’d started doing at the beach. Which I’d started doing again when I couldn’t get pregnant with our second child. I just wanted to fucking scream out the pain.
But I was in the middle of a crowded park. I wasn’t in the middle of nowhere. And I didn’t know how to expel the sadness out of my body. I didn’t know how to stop making my heart feel like it was burning. I just wanted my lungs to stop working.
It should have been me.
It should have been me.
It should have been me.
I didn’t know how to be strong enough for our son. But Miller would have.
It should have been me that died.
***
I wasn’t sure how long I sat there. But when the walking paths grew more crowded, I knew I needed to head back. Mrs. Alcaraz and Kennedy both had to go to work. Jacob needed me.
I took a deep breath and pushed myself up. I shouldn’t have come to Central Park. I thought breathing the fresh air would help soothe my soul somehow. Make me feel closer to Miller. But it just made it worse. There was a hole in my chest. I wasn’t even sure how I was still breathing.
My body felt heavy as I walked back toward the city streets. And even heavier as I got a taxi back to Kennedy’s.
Miller wasn’t coming back.
I forced my chin not to quiver and blinked more tears out of my eyes.
And I was all Jacob had.
No, I didn’t feel strong right now. But I’d figure it out for him. I’d do anything for him.
The taxi got stuck in traffic a few blocks from Kennedy’s. I climbed out and walked down the sidewalk.
