If my dad had just stayed away…
If I hadn’t used that “untraceable” card he’d given me…
If I’d been brave enough to ask someone else for help. Someone with resources that could actually make me disappear. I pictured that day when I drove back to NYC 15 years ago. I’d gone to Matt. I thought he’d be happy to see me. That he’d keep me safe. Because he loved me. Because he promised me forever.
Thinking about it made me feel sick to my stomach. I knew the kind of guy Matthew freaking Caldwell was. I knew better than to give him my heart. I knew better than to ever believe he was waiting for me.
I should have gone to James and Rob’s house. They would have helped me. Their father seemed almost as bad as mine. And he certainly had the resources to make someone disappear for good.
Instead, I did it on my own. We’d been sitting ducks, just waiting for my father to come ruin us.
I’d felt it. The first time I’d seen someone in the woods. I’d felt it and Miller hadn’t listened… I made myself stop my train of thought. There was no way in hell I’d put any blame on my husband. He’d tried to keep us safe. He’d kept us safe for so many years. There was no way for us to know.
But if I’d convinced him to move…
I wanted to scream. And throw things.
Miller had promised me I wasn’t bad luck. He’d promised me.
So why did everyone I love die? My mom. My uncle. Matt might as well have died. I looked down at my son and saw Miller’s nose. If Jacob was awake, I’d see Miller’s eyes staring back at me too. I was bad luck. It was my fault that Miller was dead.
Mine.
I should have never gone to that lake house. I should have stayed on the west coast and drowned. Miller would still be alive if I’d stayed away.
I was selfish.
I’d put him in danger.
It’s all my fault.
It felt like the whole world was caving in on me. I couldn’t breathe.
Fuck.
It felt like someone was standing on my chest.I can’t breathe.
I closed my eyes and tried to picture something happy. But all I could see was Miller’s face. I untangled myself from Jacob’s embrace as I gasped for breath. I fell forward off the couch, my hands landing hard on the threadbare carpet.
“Hey,” Kennedy said and grabbed my shoulders.
“No,” I gasped. “I can’t…”
Kennedy held my hand. “Breathe, okay? Look at me.”
I stared into her eyes.
“You’re safe here. Breathe in and out.”
She said the words again, slower this time. I tried to listen. She said them even slower. I exhaled slowly, a sob escaping my throat.
I started crying harder as my breath caught up to me. I put my head on her shoulder. “I can’t live without him.”
“Without who?” She ran her hand up and down my back.
“You didn’t read the letter?” Kennedy had never been great at following rules. I kind of just figured she would have read it immediately.
“No.”
