Rolling my shoulders and sucking in a long breath, I go on.“I thought I could do this…” And then a sob tears out of me.I crouch down and cover my face.Oh God.Oh God.“Fuck!”
This is it.But I can’t.I can’t say goodbye.I can’t.Those words repeat over and over inside my head as tears flood my face, fill my hands, and fall past them.The emotion pours out, my shoulders shaking.I lose my balance and sit on the floor.I sit there, my head between my knees, my hands over my head.
I don’t know how long it goes on, but for a good long while, I let the turbulent grief roll through me in a way I never have before.God knows what the patients and nurses think.
When I eventually pull myself together, I use my shirt to wipe my face.I scrape myself off the floor and sit beside him again, my hand resting on his arm.
“I guess I wasn’t as ready as I thought.”My tone is gruff but steady.“I don’t know how to do this.I mean… I knew… of course I knew this day was coming… dreaded it.But I thought I’d be okay.I mean… not okay… but better about handling it.I’m not, in case you missed that.”I chuckle through a few tears.They come slower now, but steadily.I wipe roughly at my jaw.Honestly, it’s pointless.The river running down my face is endless.
“I know it’s your time, Pop.You’ve done your best to prepare me for this.Even though nothing you or I could have done could have prepared me for this.But I’m… I’m gonna be okay.”I cover my mouth to cage in the sob that tries to escape.When I get control of myself, I clear my throat.“I’m not that same angry kid.There’s gonna be a lot of grief.There’s gonna be days I’m not okay.There’s gonna be tough times, I’m sure.But you go on up and watch over me so I can’t get through those times, okay.Because knowing you’re there and looking out will help.Knowing I’m not totally alone will help.”I cover my eyes, pinch the bridge of my nose, then quickly rub away the wetness.
“I’ll miss you.”I nod and swallow the thick knot in my throat.“I’ll miss you so goddamn much.But, I’ll be okay.”A hand on my back.I jolt for a moment, but then I see Anita and she’s got a box of tissues and one held out to me.
“Thank you,” I whisper, and she wraps her arm more firmly around me.
We sit in silence together for a few minutes, watching him.
Finally, I ask her, “How do I tell him it’s okay to go—that he can let go now?”Her kind brown eyes meet mine.
“Just like that, sweetie.”She takes my hand, places it over his.“He knows.He’s just waiting for the right moment.”
Less than an hour later, he takes his last breath.His heartbeat on the monitor flattens to a line.Instead of jumping into action, Anita, Mr.Nava, Rhonda, and Nancy keep me company as we all watch that line continue to move across the screen endlessly.Anita disconnects it a few minutes later when I’m ready for her to do so.Then she asks if she can say a prayer for him.I nod and bow my head to listen.
“May God keep you and hold you dear.May you never once again fear, because though our time on earth with you is no more, we will find solace that you’re safe and loved with those who’ve gone before.May your journeys never end until we meet again, my love and friend.”
Afterwards, I sit beside him, holding his hand even though I know he’s gone.I stay until his body heat slowly loses its warmth.
One day, hopefully in the far future, I’ll see him again.For now, though, we’ve said our last goodbye.I’m at least thankful I got the opportunity to do so, even if I’ll pay for it later.
CHAPTER 40
One should never fuck with what another holds sacred, because it’s not a slight we can allow to go unpunished.
JULY 1997
The bar smells like stale beer and fried food.A few rough-edged men sitting at the bar top look to be regulars.They’re watching sports highlights on the television mounted behind the bar.
Joey’s sitting way back in the corner in a booth.When he catches sight of me, he flags me down.As I weave through the dim interior, I notice a group of street cops scarfing down lunch a few tables away from where Joey sits.We’re only a few blocks away from the precinct, so I figure this must be a local hangout for the men in blue, probably the reason Joey wanted to meet here.
I raise an eyebrow when I take in my oldest friend’s spiffed-up attire, a pressed light-blue collared shirt underneath what looks to be a tailored navy coat.His short black hair is styled, not a hair out of place, and there’s even a silver pin on his tie.A far cry from the man I saw on Sunday, who showed up in a ratty New Mexico State T-shirt, basketball shorts, and sneakers, and an even farther cry from the kid who’d just throw on any old thing off his bedroom floor back in the day.He never cared what he looked like back then.His priority had been to get the fuck out of his house.End of.
But,my, my, my, how time has changed him.
There’s a hint of his badge and gun under his jacket, and when I slide into the booth across from him, I can’t help but take the piss.“Damn, Mr.America, you clean uprealnice.You got a talent too, or is it the way you can strut in a swimsuit that wins you the title?”
He plays the part and gives me a cheeky grin and princess wave that quickly turns into a middle finger.Then he smooths his hand down his shirt and tie.“Don’t I, though.Ehh…” He shrugs.“Part of the new gig.Not my favorite thing about it.But gotta dress the part though, you know?”
“How’s work?”I ask.
“Hella busy right now.Had a double homicide in Rio Rancho two nights ago, and it was a doozy.Thankfully, they let us public service workers have a lunch break now and again.
“Everyone’s gotta eat, right?”I say.
“Right.”He tosses the menu over to me.“It’s on me.Order whatever you like.”
“How’s the beer?”I eye his glass of water and consider ordering the same, but fuck if I don’t deserve a beer or two after the month I’ve had.
“Better than decent, I’d say.”
