Before leaving the men’s room, I stare at this version of myself that doesn’t feel real.
The mirror doesn’t show the truths hidden under the surface, the mess underneath, the missing pieces that make me feel like a fucking spinning compass.Nor does it show the dark thoughts of death when the pain becomes all I see, or these new cravings for things with Lily that I can’t voice or give in to.
There’s also the madman chasing a ghost, constantly searching for feathers and breadcrumbs, and clinging to the hope that if I can find enough of them, they’ll put my world right.When a link ties to Lily in some way, my mind grabs it with both hands, because it’s the only way I can cope with my shitty fractured existence, and I start believing something I shouldn’t.
That Lily could be Elle.
Fucking crazy, right?
Does anyone else know what that’s like?To feel like your mind is the most fucked-up part of who you are?That you can’t trust your own thoughts?That what you believe may not be real because your brain has the power to rearrange all the pieces to fit whatever scenario will help you get by for another day?
What I want is her.And doing nothing about it is eating a hole inside of me bigger than the ones already inside my head.
What I see looking back at me is a pretender who acts like he’s got his shit together, when in reality, I’m losing my goddamn mind.Camouflaging myself so no one sees how fucked-up things are in my head.
Bodie sees through it.Soon, others will too.
CHAPTER 28
Facing the consequences of our actions, that’s the hard part, even when we know we’ve done the right thing.
When I first see Lily walking toward me after I leave the restroom, I think it’s a dream.Surely, I can’t be this lucky.But yeah, it’s her, and when she spots me, her footsteps falter.
“Oh, hey,” she says with a hesitant, nervous expression.
“Hey, yourself.”I take a few more steps and move to the right so she can walk right by, only she doesn’t.
She strides forward and stops right in front of me.Her head is cocked to the side, her gaze following my hand as I rub it over my chest, which constricts at how fucking beautiful she looks tonight.
Her hair has loose waves, and her makeup isn’t performance makeup or overdone.It’s still done with an artistic eye to highlight her best features, sure, but more naturally.It lets her beauty stand on its own without the glitter, shimmer, and dramatic coloring she uses on stage.
“You’re here.I wasn’t sure you would be,” she says.“Was kinda hoping you wouldn’t be, to be honest.”This last part is muttered under her breath.
“Why’s that?”
“It’s a school night.”
I lean my shoulder against the wall, and she does the same.I peer down at her, wondering what in the fuck a school night has to do with anything.Then it dawns on me.Someone probably told her about Mateo, and she’s wondering why I’m not home, making sure he’s tucked into bed.Little does she know, he doesn’t listen to a word I say.Actually, he goes out of his way to do the opposite most of the time.Contrary little shit that he is.If I told him to be home by ten or even to go to bed at a reasonable hour, he’d stay out all night to spite me.
Our relationship is precarious.If I tug too much, he pulls back.Since he’s nearly eighteen, there’s only so much rope left on my end of the line.Come May, I won’t have any say about where he goes and what he does.
“Do you mean because of Mateo?”
She runs her fingers through her hair and then fidgets with the ends.“His name might have been brought up in the dressing room in passing.”
Passing, my ass.
“Uh-huh.I’m sure that’s not all they said.”Sure enough, her mouth purses.“Well, he’s fine.He’s not about to let me stay home to wipe his ass.Prefers it, actually, if I stay out of his business.”I raise an eyebrow.A lot like how I’d prefer my employees to stay out of mine.
“Right.”She nods a little, opens her mouth to ask something else, but quickly shuts it.She takes a step to the side, as if to walk away.But that frown is like a hook in my chest.I raise my hand and softly wrap it around her waist.I use my hold to turn her towards me.
“Ask me.”
Flustered, she blinks up at me.“What?”
“Whatever it was you were gonna ask me, ask me.”
She searches my gaze with those gorgeous eyes of hers.The earnest emotion vanishes soon after, like she intentionally shuts it down.
