Fallon looks out the window. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it up. We’re in two completely different scenarios.”
“It’s okay.” I lift her hand to my lips, placing a tender kiss on the back of her hand.
44
FALLON
Iam the definition of a mess. I’ve kept it together on the outside, working, being a mom, and doing my best to be happy, but on the inside, I’m falling apart. The only thing keeping me sane is Jason. Despite me saying I wasn’t ready to move in, Presley and I practically have. We haven’t gone home in well over a week, except to grab more clothes and other random things.
The hearing is early next week and I’m spiraling. I don’t know what to do. Do I tell Presley about her dad being back in town? What if the judge decides he’s fit for custody and we start the transition to him having partial custody? There are too many things ping-ponging in my brain.
I need Jason. I’ve been craving the comfort only he can provide. He’s been handling me with care, and I appreciate it more than he knows, but I need more. I need the intimacy he offers me. I can’t help but wonder that maybe this is all too much for him. Is the custody case too much? Is that why he’s been distancing himself from me physically? We haven’t done anything besides hold each other, or the occasional make out session here and there, though I supposethat’s my fault. I’ve been stuck in my own head. Maybe I should make it up to him.
He’s been in the garage for about an hour now. We put the girls to bed together, and then he went back out there. I stand from the couch, leaving my glass of wine and Kindle behind. Music plays softly over the stereo sitting on top of a toolbox, and I find him sitting in a lawn chair, drinking a beer.
“Hey,” I greet, running my hand over the back of his neck. “You okay?” I round the front of the chair and straddle his legs, lowering myself onto his lap. My arms go around his neck, fingers threading in his hair. He leans forward, setting his beer bottle on the ground before wrapping his arms around me, pulling me even closer.
Jason rests his head, using my boobs as a pillow. He doesn’t answer my earlier question, which makes me think something really is wrong, and he’s avoiding it.
“Jase, what’s wrong?” Leaning back, I lift his head to look into his eyes. Something is definitely wrong.
He takes a heavy inhale, and my stomach clenches with anxiety. “I don’t know how to say this,” he finally says.
I try to shift from his lap, and he grips me tighter for a moment before letting me slide off. I step away from him, my heart pounding faster with each step. I rest against the countertop where all his tools are.
“I’ve been thinking. Depending on how the court hearing goes, I think maybe we should hold off on officially moving in together,” he finally states, his eyes cast to the cement ground.
“You’re…” I stutter, trying to gather my words. “You’re having second thoughts?” I should have known this would happen. He’s been distant. He’s separating himself from me. Like Brad did. He’s trying to push me away. He was the one that brought up moving in together, and now he’s regretting it.
Jason abruptly shakes his head. “No. Not in the slightest. I want nothing more than for you two to be here, in my home, in my family. I’m worried about the court case, that’s all. They’re going to be taking a deep dive into Presley’s life. Her living situation, who her mom is dating,everything.”
He’s going back on everything he said. “So what? You’re going to give up? Break up with me?” I ask, my voice trembling. I want to be strong right now, but my heart is breaking.
“Sunshine, I never said that. You’re taking words out of my mouth,” Jason tries to say, but it’s like I’m underwater. My ears are whooshing with noise, and I can’t think, can’t breathe.
“You lied to me.” My voice breaks as I spit the words out.
Jason shakes his head. “No.I didn’t lie to you, sunshine. I’m trying to do what’s best for you and Presley.”
“He abandoned me, and look where that left me! How is this better for me? Everyone leaves, Jason! That’s what I’ve been so afraid of all this time. He left me, and now I can’t trust anyone to stay.”
Jason steps forward and tries to pull me in closer to him, but I slide away from him. “Fallon, stop.”
“No, Jason.”
"I’m not him, Fallon!” Jason yells as I turn my back to him. He stops me in my tracks, turning my legs to stone.
He comes up behind my back, wrapping his arms around me. “I’m. Not. Him,” he whispers in my ear. “You need to listen to me when I sayI am not leaving. I want you in my life, in my home, in my bed. I want Presley to have her own room, her toys and coloring books here. I want herplaying with my daughter every night, being the sister she’s never had.”
Shuddered sobs break through my body. “You said you would fight for us, Jason. You told me you would fight for Presley.”
“This is me fighting for you. You think I want to step back? You think I want to be anywhere but at your side as you do this? Of course not. But this is me fighting for you. This is me doing what I can to protect you, to protectboth of you.If that means holding off on something I want so desperately, in order to make your fight for your daughter easier, then I will do it, no question.”
Jason turns me so I’m facing him and rests his hand over my heart. Some of the fight leaves my body as I realize what I’ve done. I compared him to Brad, someone Jason is nothing like. On his worst day, Jason could never be the type of cruel Brad is.
“You’re not him,” I affirm, hating that he had to call me out on it in the first place, because he’s not. I heard him having what I thought were second thoughts, and I panicked. Because of Brad, my stupid trauma response is to assume the worst in people, to assume they’d leave someone who they once claimed to be a partner to. “I’m sorry. I need you at my side through this, Jason. I’m sorry I reacted that way. I panicked thinking you were leaving too.”
“If you think I will willingly walk away unless you tell me to, you’re dead wrong.” His voice is strong, and I know he’s telling me the truth. He wanted me to have all my options, and be aware of all the circumstances.
