“Jason, it was an accident.” I am trying to understand what is going through his brain right now, but if he won’t let me in, how am I supposed to know? “It was ninety-five degrees out today. I could have been doing everything right, staying hydrated and cool, and I still could have passed out. It’s not my fault. Why are you reacting like this? You took care of me. I’m fine. The girls are fine. We had a fun day, and the girls are happy.”
Jason turns, resting both his hands on the countertop, his head bowing between his shoulders as he takes a deep breath.
25
JASON
The bone deep fear that is seated in my body isn’t going away. Fallon is safe. She’s standing in front of me now, and is breathing and talking. I shouldn't be reacting like this, but it’s like some sort of response in my brain, and I’m reacting on auto-pilot.
I let out a weary sigh. I know I have to tell her, it’s the only way I can explain my reaction to her in a way that makes sense. I don’t look over, but I know she’s still standing there, waiting for an explanation from me.
“Seeing you, sitting on that bench, pale with your eyes glazed over, brought back some really bad memories for me,” I state, bile rising in my throat as the memories assault my brain.
Fallon doesn’t speak, giving me the time I need to get the words out.
“I’m not sure how much you know about Talia, but she was a drug addict. Off and on throughout the years we were together, she would use. One night, I got home from work, and she was sitting on the couch. Her eyes were completelyempty of emotion, her face a shade of white I’d never seen on her before. She was swaying back and forth, her high in full swing. Things were still newer with us, and I’d never seen her high like that before. Sure, we’d smoked weed together before, but something told me this was more. In retrospect, I realize now she’d been using harder drugs for the entirety of our relationship, but until that point, I didn’t put it together.”
I can hear the sharp intakes of breath coming from Fallon. She takes a few steps toward me, and her small hand rests in the middle of my back, rubbing in soothing circles.
“She could barely string two words together, and then she’d passed out. I thought she’d fallen asleep, and then she started puking. I called 911, not sure what was happening, and Thomas was on duty, of course. I watched as my younger brother gave my girlfriend multiple doses of Narcan, trying to rouse her until paramedics arrived.”
My arms shake. Watching my little brother try to save her life is something I’ll never forget. “Only after the third dose did she start to wake and finally tell us what she had taken. When she admitted she tried heroin for the first time, I ran into the kitchen, and threw up in the sink. I was in such a state of shock.”
“It wasn’t your fault, Jason,” Fallon says quietly. I shake my head. No, it wasn’t my fault, but could I have been the one to stop her? Could I have done more?
“I knew she drank heavily, and smoked a lot of weed, but heroin? That’s something I never could have anticipated. I rode with her in the ambulance, crying along with her as she apologized and promised to turn her life around and get help. She went to rehab the next morning.”
I turn and face Fallon, showing her the grief that’ssurely covering my face. This isn’t how I wanted tonight to go, but I needed to tell her, it had to happen sooner or later. Fallon wraps her arms around my middle, and holds me in a tight hug. My arms reflexively surround her, breathing in her sweet perfume as I prepare to tell her the rest.
“After she came home sixty days later, she broke things off with me. We got back together a few months later, and the cycle continued. I never saw her OD again, but she wasn’t clean. She’d end things with me when she would start using again, and after her second round of rehab, she vowed to stay clean. I don’t want to say that Lennie was an accident. Maybe surprise is a better word, but we had gotten back together after one of our longest stretches apart. About a year and a half. I know how toxic it was, but I loved her. I thought I could fix her. Make her better. I thought I was enough. When I wasn’t, and she found out she was pregnant, I thought maybe…” My voice cracks on the words. “Maybe the baby would be enough.”
“She was a good mom, Fallon,” I continue, taking a shaky breath. “In the first months we had Lennie, she was so good. Lennie was a good baby, but I think that’s because Talia was such a natural. I know I say she was a bad mom, or imply it, but really, it’s me being an asshole, mad she’s gone. Mad my daughter doesn’t have a mom, or that she left because drugs were more important than her. I never want Lennie to experience that. I will do whatever I can so my daughter never feels that way. I want her to have the most fulfilling life. I need her to know how loved she is, even if her mom couldn’t stay.”
I let out a long breath, thankful that Fallon let me get these words out. “I took out my resentment for her on you today, and I will never be able to say I’m sorry enough for it.I have no excuse, other than I was scared, and that fear was enough to try to push you away. I can’t even explain how sorry I am, Fallon. You didn’t deserve my anger.” I squeeze Fallon gently. “Please, know how sorry I am,” I whisper in her ear.
26
FALLON
My mind whirs with all the information Jason shared. I knew he carried so much in his heart, in his mind, but I never realized the extent of it. I rest my head on his shoulder, holding him close to me. He is in so much pain, and I want to do what I can to ease it. I’m reminded by our time in college. This is that man. He still exists. The man who will fight tooth and nail to do what he can for his family, for those he loves. The man who doesn’t shove down his emotions and pain so no one can see who he really is.
He finally looks at me. Our faces are so close I can see the wet streaks still on his cheeks and make out the small gold flecks in his chocolate brown eyes. I cup his jaw with my hand, swiping at his wet cheek again.
“You are an amazing dad. Lennie could not have lucked out anymore if she tried. It’s horrible that Talia isn’t here to see her daughter grow up, but addiction is a disease. She might want to be here, but she can’t.”
He nods into my palm.
“Tell me you believe me,” I urge. “I need to hear you say those words, Jase.”
“I’m a good dad,” he responds, and it’s so half-hearted.
“Not good enough,” I tell him. “You need to believe it.”
“I’m a good dad.” This time, he says it with more gumption, and I can tell he’s starting to believe me, and himself. Only then, he surprises me. “Your turn.”
“Huh?” I ask, confused.
“Your turn,” he repeats. “You’re a good mom. Say it. Believe it.”
