I sigh, pulling her into my chest for a hug. “Lennie, I am happy. You make me happy, and that’s all I need. I don’t need to be married to be happy, not when I have you.”
When she pulls away, she twirls the end of her braid around her finger. At five, I’m not sure she realizes there is more to a wedding than a fun party with pretty dresses. Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t know if she is thinking about the fact that me getting married would mean she would have a step-mom. Not that that is a bad thing, but what happens if things don’t work out? Before or after the marriage? Not only would I be breaking my heart, I would be breaking hers too. To have someone be a mother figure in her life, only to rip it away from her.
No, I can’t do that to her. I can’t put her through heartbreak, not now, preferably not ever. I never want her to experience the pain I’ve felt in losing her mom, in losing someone she loves.
She deserves more.
“I think you and Presley’s mom should get married,” Lennie shocks me by saying. I inwardly cringe, and run a hand down my face. I go to speak, but Lennie continues. “Then I would have a mom and a sister.”
Oh, dear.
“Lennie,” I start. “I’m not going to marry Fallon.”
“Why not?” she asks innocently.
“Because… we aren’t in love. We don’t really know each other, peanut. We can’t get married.”
“So, get to know each other. I want to play with Presley more.”
“You can play with Presley anytime you want. Fallon and I don’t have to be married for that.”
Lennie’s brows furrow as she quips, “You’re grumpy. Your face is doing that thing where your forehead wrinkles, Daddy.”
“I’m always grumpy,” I reply, crossing my eyes and sticking out my tongue at her.
She squeaks with laughter. “I think you’re grumpy because you love Presley’s mom.”
I chuckle humorlessly. “And I think you’re late for bedtime.” I haul her into my arms, laughing right along with her as she squeals, kicking and screaming. I want her to be happy. Right now, I can keep her happy by being alone, despite what she thinks.
I plop a laughing Lennie down into her twin sized bed, sitting down on the edge of the bed. “I promise you, I am happy, Lennie. You don’t need to worry about me.”
She nods, sombering. “I love you, Daddy.”
“I love you too, Lenners.” I tuck her into bed with all her stuffed animals and blankets, pressing a gentle kiss to her forehead before flicking the light off and saying one final goodnight before closing the door.
Somehow, Lennie has always been a great sleeper. She’s never wanted anything to do with sleeping in the same bed as me, unless she’s sick. She much prefers to sleep alone in her bed.
Even as an infant, she would rarely fall asleep in my arms, preferring to fall asleep after I laid her in her crib orbassinet. If anything, I was the clingy one when she was that small. I had to always be by her side, make sure she was breathing, and safe.
Back when Talia was still around, she would tease me, telling me we had to enjoy it while we could, because who knew what she would be like when she got older. God, I wish I knew if Talia was okay or not. It’s been years since we heard from her. I check in with her parents often. They live in California, and we FaceTime with Lennie and them. They come to visit every so often, but it’s hard for them. They’re older, and not as mobile. I can’t fault them for it. They do what they can, and I want my daughter to know as much family as possible. They only hear from Talia every once in a while when she ends up at a shelter, or finds someone with a phone. I don’t love her like that anymore, but as the mother of my child, I care for her enough to know if she’s alive or dead.
Addiction is… well, addiction, and she might not have had a choice in the end, but it hurts all the same.
10
FALLON
June
“So, any guys have you interested lately?” Megan asks.
I scoff into my coffee cup. “You act as if I have time to date, and even if I did, why would a guy want to be with someone like me?” I glance up at my best friend as I gesture to myself. “All I have time for is swiping right or left on dating apps, and even that is nauseating.”
Megan doesn’t say anything, only glares at me.
“What?” I ask, though I can anticipate what she is going to say.
“You know what.”
