“It’s not like I can do commitment right now either. I need time to get my head on straight and purge the bad choices from my heart.”
“I’d be just another bad choice?”
“I won’t go back to being the person I was to Ned.” Or the guys before him.
“You felt something, Hattie. At least admit that.”
“Of course I did. You kiss like a god. A woman three-days dead would’ve felt something.”
“Okay, have it your way.” Miller walked back to the truck and slammed the tailgate shut. He opened my passenger door and waited for me to climb inside.
“I will.” Ignoring how I had to slide by Miller to get in, I made quick work of settling into the seat and snapping my seatbelt. “Let’s just go.”
“As you wish.”
The ride back home seemed to take three times as long as it should have. The sun descended like royalty, and if I wasn’t so upset, I would’ve pointed out the way it was crowned in pinks and purples, with a sky of red and blue wrapped around it like a fine cape. Instead, I said nothing the entire way, nor did Miller. Instead, he let the radio play a little louder to fill in the silence.
“Thank you for the ride,” I said as I got out at my house.
Even mad, Miller was ever the gentleman and walked me to the door.
I fumbled with the key, jamming it into the lock. Though I twisted and turned, the key would not budge. Which made the speedy retreat into the house infuriatingly impossible.
I pulled the key back out, took a cleansing breath, and said the words that demanded to be heard. “Miller, I’m glad you told me about Jonathan.” He merely scowled, so I continued. I really didn’t want to end this night with either one of us angry. “I know talking about him is hard for you. But your trust means a lot.”
The night wind ruffled his hair as he nodded twice. “Hey, Hattie?”
“Yes?”
Miller took the key from my hand, then effortlessly slid it into the lock until it clicked. Then he leaned against the doorframe with eyes of fire and temptation. “You’re going to think about that kiss, just like I thought about the night of the wedding. It’s going to keep you company in your waking hours and occupy your mind when you should be asleep. You’ll remember my arms around you, my body against yours. The way I kissed you until you forgot all the others.” Opening my hand, Miller placed the key back into my palm. “Goodnight, Hattie. Sleep well.”
Chapter Thirty-Four
Isat across from Buck Sorrel at a Cracker Barrel in a town a half hour away and stirred creamer into my coffee.
Working with horses since college had taught me the importance of listening to my gut, and at that moment my gut said I didn’t want to be there. It also said I’d eaten too many biscuits, but I spread more strawberry preserves on that concern and went about my meal.
“What was your childhood like?” I asked, nonchalantly, as if inquiring about the weather.
He hesitated over a bite of scrambled eggs. “My childhood?”
“Yes. I know nothing about you before you married my mom.”
Buck chewed thoughtfully before blotting his mouth with a napkin. “I guess it was a little rough.” He sat back in his chair as he recalled the memories. “My dad was a hard man. When he was there, he ruled with lots of yelling and a fist. My older brothers left when they graduated high school and never came back. I’d already found the rodeo by sixteen, so I took off my tenth-grade year and went on the road. Met your mother in Dallas and it was love at first sight.” His laugh set my nerves on edge. “For her.”
“And for you?”
“I was in love with the road and the arena. I thought I could settle down and make it all work—a family and the rodeo. But I couldn’t. God knows I tried more times than I should have. Not everyone is marriage material, but you don’t know for sure until you try, right?”
Buck was the kind who left, and his daughter was the type whogotleft. “I wrote you letters,” I said. “Called a hundred times.”
“Hattie, I lived like a nomad. I always have. I know you’re trying to dig deep and find reasons for why I did what I did. The plain and simple truth is I was married to the rodeo. It’s been my mistress and my tormentor. It’s tried to break me and turn me loose too many times to count. If I had to do it over, would I have stayed with you kids and your mom? Yeah. Sure. But that wasn’t the choice I made.”
I wanted to remind him that some decisions were daily recommitments to a choice. Buck got up every single day and re-upped his choice to leave his family. “Did you ever think about how your decisions altered our lives?”
“Of course I did.” Bucks placed a hand over his heart and spoke in a fervent rush. “It’s a guilt I will take with me all of my days. But leaving was for the best. I know that. The life you guys got was better than any you would’ve had with me.”
“Didn’t you ever want to at least reach out? Talk to Colin and me? Go to my school play, Colin’s games, or attend a graduation?”
