“You’re here for more than a quick chat with your old man.” Buck took a long drink, then put down his can. “You got something else to say to me, Hattie?”
Here it was. The moment I’d been waiting so long for. “I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my own life, Buck. I’m trying to fix what’s broken so I don’t repeat patterns that aren’t healthy for me and my future.”
“Spoken like a therapist.”
“I think for me to truly move on from my childhood trauma, I need to make sure you understand how your leaving affected me.”
“Hmm.” Buck’s interest in the conversation appeared to have diminished by half. “Go on.”
A thousand words spiraled in my head, and I took a deep inhale, trying to get centered. I wondered what Miller and the girls were doing outside and wished they were in here with me. “Buck, the way you came in and out of our lives when Colin and I were little was very damaging. But when you left for good, it devastated us both. We were never the same.”
“Now wait a minute.” He took off his dust-covered hat and placed it on the table beside him. “That man your mom married was good as gold. I asked around. I met him myself. I wouldn’t have left you with someone who wouldn’t take care of you.”
“Dad was…and is great. But you were my father. Colin and I neededyou.”
He trailed his fingers through his hair. “I meant to write. I meant to call, but—”
“No. You didn’t intend to, and now I see that as an adult, but children don’t understand that. For years after you left, I looked for you. Waited for you to come back, to at least pick up the phone. Even though it’s a false belief, it taught me that I wasn’t lovable or worth staying for. I’ve spent so much time trying to make relationships work that I shouldn’t have. I’ve invested all my heart into men that, similar to you, weren’t capable of loving me back.”
“Hattie, hold on here—”
“I’m not here to indict you or make you feel badly. I don’t need you to say pretty words to fix it. There’s really nothing youcansay that can right the wrong. I merely wanted to tell you what I’ve been holding onto since my childhood.” Tears pooled on my lashes, and I blinked them back. “I do forgive you. You’ve no doubt had your own trauma along the way, and Colin and I were just collateral damage.”
“You were more than that.” His own hazel eyes glistened with moisture. “You were so much more than that. Who was I to take care of a family and raise up a son and daughter? I didn’t know how to do any of that. Nobody had ever taken care of me until I met your mother. She was this smart, beautiful, young woman who still had a chance to find someone better, for her and for you kids. That’s what I wanted for all of you—a better life. So I left. And I’m sorry for the hurt it caused, but I’m not sorry for how much better the three of you had it after I moved.”
I wasn’t sure what I had expected, but that wasn’t it. If Buck thought that enamored me to him, it did not. He was still responsible for so much hurt, and nothing excused that.
Yet I did feel a thimble of sympathy. Buck was a flawed man who was at least aware of it. I’d spent my adult life working with trauma victims, and I knew old pain made us do things we wished we hadn’t. “Thank you for your words.”
“They’re more than words, girl.” He stood and waved a hand toward the rodeo outside. “Look around. Do you really think this is the place to raise a family? I was gone most days of the year and money was sporadic and paltry. You, your brother, and your mom deserved so much more.” He stood at a small sink and reclined against the counter. “I thought about you all the time. I’ve wondered what you looked like, what you became. If you ever thought of me or if you remembered even one of our moments together.” He gave a watery smile. “Like the time I took you to the fair in Dallas, and we had so much fun, I was late for that night’s rodeo. Or the time the four of us built a snowman one December in Montana. We were staying in a cheap motel that didn’t have a working heater, so we slept in our coats and had hot chocolate for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.”
I recalled none of that.
“Hattie, I’ve screwed up a lot. Some people dream at night. But me? I go to sleep counting all my mistakes. I’ve missed out on so much because of rodeo life, and sometimes I get angry for all that it’s taken from me. I don’t want to make more mistakes with you.” He walked toward me as I gathered my purse and stood. “I’m not asking for the title of dad back. I know you have one, and he’s a good one. But maybe we could at least keep in touch?”
“I don’t know, Buck.”
“I want to get to know you,” he said gruffly. “One day you’re going to have children, and I don’t want to miss out on a whole other generation. Please tell me we can stay in touch.” He grabbed a pen and a nearby sticky note. “This is my number.”
I reached for the note and folded it in half. “Okay.”
“I’m here for at least a few more weeks. We could meet for coffee or whatever it is you kids do these days.” His grin revealed teeth that had probably seen a lot of tobacco and hits from the ground. “I have an agenting meeting to get to right now, but I want to talk more. That’s all I want—just to talk.”
Uncertainty tugged, but maybe talking to Buck more would cantilever me right into healing, then I’d get off this hamster wheel of crappy relationships even sooner. “All right.” I took the same pen and notepad and scrawled my own phone number. “I work a lot. I might be hard to reach.”
“I understand that better than anyone.” Buck patted my shoulders, his expression satisfied, almost zen. “You don’t know what it means to me to see you today. I have so much to tell you, and I do love you, Hattie.”
I reached for the cold door handle. “I’ll be in touch.”
Chapter Thirty-One
Afew evenings laterI sat on my front porch with so many issues crammed into my head I could script my own TV show for Bravo. Today a few clients had experienced some rough moments that had me puzzled, Garrett hadn’t even shown for his appointment, I’d swapped a few texts with my bio-dad, and the Miller situation was an entire TV season all by itself.
I’d managed to avoid Miller as if he had the flu. A very gorgeous, sexy flu. It hadn’t been easy. Our paths naturally crossed over the course of a day, but if I caught sight or sound of the man, I vacated the premises. He’d called a few times, but I’d let it go to voicemail and texted my responses instead. I knew enough about Miller’s daily routine on the farm to lie low during Peak Miller Appearance Times. It was exhausting. Not only had Ernie asked me if I was okay, but due to my odd behavior, he’d inquired if I’d recently suffered a horse kick to the head I’d failed to report.
So when Miller’s old red farm truck lumbered over the rocky trail to my house at six o’clock, I knew my successful stream of avoidance had come to an end.
Play it cool, Hattie. The kiss meant nothing to him. The touches at the rodeo were coincidences. And the hypercharged current between us has no doubt been one-sided and a figment of my love-starved imagination.
