“Yes. Thank you for the reminder. So, what it all comes back to is regret, or maybe guilt. I don’t know at this point.” I sighed.
Hadiya nodded slowly. “It’s normal to feel regret or guilt when something like this happens. Your mind is being flooded with the ‘what ifs’ and ‘I should haves’. But Crimson, do you realize you are holding yourself responsible for others’ actions? If you had taken the training at a slower pace that day, then what?”
“I - Or, or maybe she would-”
“Hold it there, Crimson. If you had taken the training slower, where would you all have been?”
“I can’t say, probably still in the bank for sure.”
“That's my point. Changinghowyou trained her does not change the actions of the robbers. You all would have still been inside the bank during the robbery.” Hadiya leaned forward slightly; her eyes were empathetic, but her voice came across firmly. “You’ve got to stop carrying the weight and responsibility of others. And, quite honestly, Crimson, that seems to be the theme in your life. You feel responsible for your mother dying, Quincy being a terrible father, and-”
“I just don’t know how to stop.” I sighed. “Seems like when I make decisions to have my needs met, someone else gets hurt. The new trainee at the bank, and even Scarlett.” I burst into tears thinking about Scarlett. “Quincy wants nothing to do with her. If I would have died, she’d be alone. I-” Choking up, I coughed as the tears cascaded down my cheeks and my saliva got caught in my throat. “What if she grows up feeling as lonely as I did and feeling unloved?” I was in a full-blown crying catastrophe at this point.
Hadiya leaned forward and handed me a box of tissues. I saw it in her eyes. She was doing her best not to break out in tears herself. I watched as she physically gathered herself, and then she spoke. “Or what if it works out? What if you live a long, healthy life? What if you get the love, you always wanted? What if Scarlett has brothers and sisters and looks at her mother as the hero she is?”
I sobbed as Hadiya painted the life I dreamed of. “It’s natural to want the best for your child and to want to stick around as long as possible to give them that. But you have to allow time for that to happen, Crimson. Scarlett needs you, yes, but she also needs you to be well. She needs you to heal.”
“Don’t you think I want to heal Hadiya?!” My tone was elevated. I was frustrated not with her, but with myself. “I don’t mean to yell. I just…I want to be better. I want to heal, and I want to be who I was before all of this. I’m tired of being some broken thing that needs fixing. I feel so pathetic. So, I need to get back to the old me. It's a must!”
Hadiya remained quiet, allowing me more space. But I said nothing. She fidgeted with her pen. Something I noticed she did whenever she was about to say something controversial. Then, in a soft, reassuring tone, she said,
“What if I told you that you’d never be the same person you were? You suffered the loss of your mom as a teen. You’veexperienced heartbreak and abandonment. You then became a mother. And now you have experienced a very traumatic event. Each of those events chipped away at the old Crimson. So, you will never be who you were before. And guess what, you don’t need to be. Each experience shaped you and taught you something, and that, Crimson, is what we call healing. It's not about being who you once were; it's about learning to love the new you. Is it scary and uncomfortable? Absolutely. But you know what it really is? Growth.”
The impact of her words released the weight that I’d been carrying around since I was 16. Honestly, I hadn’t felt the same since my mother died. I blamed myself for her drug overdose because I gave her money knowing she’d get high with it. The loss of her left me hollow. And my fear of parenting Scarlett had more to do with my capability as a mother than it did with Quincy’s lack of involvement. For the first time in weeks, I felt something shift. I didn’t have all the answers. I didn’t know how my life would turn out. But I knew I’d be okay. And in this moment, that was more than enough for me.
“You’re saying I need to give myself grace and accept who I am?”
“I’m saying rediscover Crimson. Find out what she likes, loves, and who she is TODAY. And when you do that, reintroduce yourself to Scarlett. She’ll appreciate every version of you, as long as you present it with love.
“Hadiya, thank you.”
jahsir
. . .
Mulholland Falls wasa sight at night. It was alive and bursting with energy. And now, with the evening settling gently over the city, the sky glowed a deep, dusky blue. The lights from the buildings nearby twinkled like scattered stars. And while the city was brewing with energy, my loft was everything but that. This evening it was warm, quiet, and peaceful.
Crimson sat on the couch with one leg tucked beneath her as the other rested lightly on the edge of the coffee table. Scarlett was fast asleep on her chest, her tiny hand curled in the fabric of Red’s shirt. Her soft breaths, rising and falling in rhythm with her mother’s. They wore silky teal matching bonnets. Balanced delicately to one side was Crimson’s sketchpad, angled so she could still draw without disturbing the baby’s sleep. And I’d never seen anything so mesmerizing.
I went into the kitchen and returned with a cup of her favorite ginger-honey tea, careful not to speak too soon. I didn’t want to break her peacefulness. I set it down on the side table without a word, and only then did she glance up.
She smiled. “You’re spoiling me, Jahsir.”
“You deserve it.”
She shifted slightly, just enough to move her pencil to the page’s corner. Scarlett stirred, then settled again. Red paused, looking at her. She smiled then looked back at me, probably happy she didn't wake her.
“Bae,” she said softly. “I want to thank you for taking care of me over these last several weeks. I'm so lucky to have you here. Scarlett, you treat her like she's your own. Just, thank you, Jahsir, I mean it.”
“I got you. I love you. Anything you need, just let me know.”
She hesitated for a moment as her fingers brushed the curve of Scarlett’s back. “Well… I just need another week or so to find another job. I've been thinking. And even with therapy going so well, I can't go back into that bank. I just can't.”
“It’s okay,” I said, scooting closer. “Take all the time you need. How are you feeling now? Are you up for a ride?”
She let out a low laugh. “Ooh, I don’t know. If Scarlett wakes up, then falls back asleep in the car, she's going to want to play all night. I’m always so exhausted, Jah.”
“You let me worry about Scarlett,” I said with a smile. “Come on, you down? We can stop and get some chicharrónes on the way back. Lil bit of guacamole with it.”
