Dev shakes his head. ‘Nobody springs to mind. We’ve made a few friends but they all seem nice people.’
‘And what about the past? People from your old life who might be jealous of your win.’
For a second I swear the floor wobbles underneath my feet. The air feels heavier and I have to reassure myself it’s just a standard question. She doesn’t actually know anything.
‘No,’ I say, too fast. ‘There’s nobody like that. Nobody at all.’
Dev shifts beside me. I can feel him looking at me, but I keep my eyes on the rug.
‘Merri thought she saw someone in the trees the other evening,’ he says. ‘Close to the bottom of the garden.’
I give a small laugh. ‘Honestly, it was probably just a shadow or an animal. It was getting dark. I shouldn’t have said anything.’
The officers look at each other. Not suspicious exactly, but with a sharpness in their eyes. Lane writes something on her pad.
‘If anything else appears online, more photos or whatever, please let us know. And we’ll ask the patrol car to swing by when they can. Just to keep an eye open.’
They smile as they leave, but Lane’s eyes catch mine one last time before the door closes. I hear the crunch of gravel as they walk to their car, and then the hum of the engine fading down the drive.
Dev turns to me. The house feels cold now, as if the warmth left with them. ‘Can we talk, Merri?’ he says. ‘I don’t want to push, but … why are you so afraid of the police?’
I want to answer. I even open my mouth to do so. It would be so easy just to tell him and then deal with the fallout. It’s all here. All the words, the whole story, lined up ready to tumble out.
But then Dev’s phone rings, a sharp trill that cuts through the quiet. He glances at the screen. ‘Sorry. I need to take this.’
As he walks into the other room, the silence returns, heavy and close.
I stay where I am, barely breathing.
The past isn’t behind me at all. Not really.
It used to be silent and buried deep, but now it’s clawed its way out.
Now it’s a breath against the back of my neck.
40
Friday
I woke up in the early hours and I’ve been lying here, staring at the ceiling as shadows creep across it, their shapes changing with the moonlight filtering through the edges of the blind.
The sheets tangle around my legs and I’m too hot one minute, then too cool. Dev, of course, is out like a light, his breathing deep and steady beside me. I envy how easily he shuts the world out even when he seemed to be as worried as I am about the photographs.
But my interior world is a cacophony of thoughts. Thoughts too terrifying to block out or ignore.
It’s as if the police left something here that’s haunting me. The house is silent, but I keep hearing footsteps that aren’t there, voices just out of earshot. At some point, around three, the past starts to bleed through.
It’s the same feeling I’ve had a thousand times when my mind flips back to the stark interview room in the police station, the smell of machine coffee and stale air. The way the detectives’ questions started off friendly and turned sharper when they didn’t get the answers they wanted.
I remember the heat rising in my chest that day, the way my hands wouldn’t stop shaking. I had the feeling that, no matter what I said, they were quietly tightening something invisible around my neck, one word at a time. Something told me that if I slipped – just once – it would all come tumbling down.
That’s the part Dev doesn’t know. That’s why I can’t tell him.
I found out something about myself that day at the police station. I found out I’ll do and say anything to survive.
I shift again, pushing away the thoughts and turning on to my side. I pull the pillow this way and that until I’m comfy. My gaze falls on the window. We’ve been keeping the blind open to enjoy the views since we moved in here until we’re ready to go to sleep. The house is perched high up on this hillside, far away from prying eyes – or so we thought.
I sit up abruptly, dragging a hand through my hair. This house, this new life I thought would be safe, it doesn’t feel safe any more. I feel exposed, and even though he’s trying his best to cover it, I know Dev does, too.
