“Did you break it?”Jesse leaned closer.“Is that’s what’s going on?I saw a thing on a UFC fighter who—”
“I saw that!”Xander cut him off as he stabbed a finger at Jesse.“Dude, how do you not wear a cup?So fucking stupid.”
“Right?”Jesse laughed then turned to me and lowered his voice.“Is that what happened to you, No?I heard it happens in cowgirl and doggie most often.”
“Lazy son of a bitch.”Chase shook his head.“Get on top and do some of the work for chrissake.”
“I DIDN’T BREAK MY FUCKING PENIS!” I roared.Standing up, holding my sticks, I gestured wildly.“Can we get this fucking soundcheck over with already?Fuck’s sake.”
“Geez.”Chase backed away, holding up his palms like he was fucking innocent.“We’re just worried about you.”
“That isn’t normal, No.”Jesse leaned closer and whispered, “Have you gone to your doctor?They have pills for that, ya know?”
“Back.Up.”I shoved my sticks toward him.“Unless you want Ella digging these out of your ass.”
“Sheesh.”Jesse shook his head as he walked away.“Someone’s sensitive all the sudden.”
Xander winced.“Sorry, bro.That kinda spiraled out of control.I didn’t mean to out you like that.”
“Ever think that maybe I don’t appreciate having all my dirty laundry publicly aired?”My eyes burned with anger.“My overdose was all over the media for weeks.I had to deal with going through rehab in front of the fucking world.My every move was watched and commented on for months.I’m doing every fucking thing I can think of to not fall back there again.Give me some fucking grace.Or haven’t I earned it back over the last year by staying sober?”
All the prior levity was long gone as the arena vibrated with my angry words.
All the guys and techs stared back at me in shock.
After a long beat, Xander nodded.“You’re right.We were over the line.I’m sorry.”
“Sorry,” Chase said.
Jesse tipped his head.“Sorry, Noah.”
“Whatever.”I cleared my throat, embarrassed by the whole thing.“Can we get through church already?”
“Yeah.Sure thing, No.”Xander gave me a sad little smile that I’d seen too many times before then headed back to his corner of the stage.
But it didn’t matter.Everything felt off again.
I’d ruined another moment with the band.
Fuck.
* * *
The weird mood continued as we hung out in the greenroom a few hours later.In a couple of minutes, Harper would open the door and let in all the backstage pass holders, and I was already dreading it.
The back of my neck tingled like it had when we got back on the road for the last tour.Like everyone was watching me.Waiting for me to melt down.
Although an argument could be made that I’d already melted down today.
Groaning, I leaned forward on the couch and scrubbed my hands over my face.What I wouldn’t give for a hit or drink to make all these feelings go away.Christ, sometimes living was just so hard.
My fingers twitched.Maybe I should call my sponsor, Mal.I couldn’t remember where in the world he was.I just knew he wasn’t here.His band was already back on the road.
“Everything okay?”Harper sat down on the couch next to me.
I grunted in reply.Kinda felt like nothing was ever going to be okay again.
“Hey, your health and sobriety are more important than anything else.So if you need to cancel the concert or take a minute to call your sponsor, just let me know.I am here for you.”
