My voice breaks as I struggle to continue. "Agnieszka.” Just saying her name reignites the pain. “She was so vibrant, so full of life. A breath of fresh air.”
Lyah's expression softens, her hand reaching out to touch my arm. I flinch involuntarily, unaccustomed to such gentle contact, but this time I don't pull away.
"What happened to her?" Lyah asks gently, searching my face. I want to run and hide from the truth, but because she’s opening her heart to me, the words I don’t want to say tumble out.
“Darian and I were young men. Arrogant enough to think we were untouchable, and foolish enough to believe that extended to our sister.”
I swallow hard, forcing myself to meet Lyah's gaze. “What we didn’t fully understand was how the old guard, those of my father’s ilk, viewed bastard children.”
Her hand flies to her softly rounded stomach, and I know she’s remembering the accusations I flung at her. They weren’t without reason.
“Our enemies discovered her identity…” I trail off, my voice hoarse.
Lyah's eyes widen with understanding, her hand protectively cradling her belly. I can see the realization dawning on her face as she connects my past trauma to my recent behavior.
"They... they killed her, didn't they?" she whispers, her voice barely audible.
I nod, the old pain rising up like bile in my throat. But I want her to know all of it. “When they finally killed her, it was a blessing.”
Tears spring to Lyah's eyes as she grasps the full horror of what I'm implying. She takes another step closer, and her presence comforts me. “They used her against us. They raped and tortured her. Sent us pieces… and videos…" I trail off, unable to continue. The memories threaten to overwhelm me, but I force them back down. "She was only sixteen years old, and the things they did to that sweet girl…”
My voice breaks and Emylyah cries out, flinging her arms around me on a sob. I cradle her precious body against mine, inhaling the sweet scent of her hair. For a moment, I allow myself the solace of her embrace and feel the warmth of her compassion seeping into my cold, hardened exterior.
"Oh, Niko," she whispers, her voice thick with emotion. "I had no idea. I'm so sorry."
I pull back slightly, cupping her face in my hands. "What happened to Agnieszka changed me. My father would say for the better. It hardened me against the world, made me ruthless. I thought the only way to protect the people I care about, to keep them safe, was to become indifferent. To let everyone think I wouldn’t give a shit if something like that ever happened again."
I take a deep breath, forcing myself to continue. “It’s why I was set against the baby.” My hands wander to her waist where I can graze my fingers against the sides of her growing bump.
My precious son.
“Things are volatile right now. Weird stuff is happening. Unexplained occurrences with no clear perpetrators. Factions are moving against us and we’re blind to the instigators and their accomplices. We’re struggling, trying to fight against an unseen enemy with our arms tied behind our back.”
I bury my face in her hair and hold her tighter.
“That’s why I freaked out when I found out you were married to someone else. It brought everything that happened with Agnieszka rushing back.”
I lift my head and stare at the ceiling, taking a small step back, but still refusing to let her go completely. “Logically, I know things are different now.”
Taking a bracing breath, I turn my gaze on Lyah. “I am the Pakhan, and I can make the decision to protect my son, no matter his lineage. But there are still old-school members in this organization who won’t take his protection as seriously as they should.” I hate having to admit that to her, but I need her to understand the obstacles. “Voices of dissent we can’t afford under the current circumstances when we need, more than ever, to stand together until we know what we’re up against.”
Chapter 24
LYAH
I’ve learned more about my husband and what motivates him in the past hour than I have in the last three years. But holding him while he struggles not to fall apart in my arms takes surreal to new limits. It’s enough to have me wondering if I’m dreaming and the effects of the drugs and concussion are still affecting me.
Except Niko’s welcome presence is wrapped around me. The hard planes of his body solid under my fingers.
"I know I've been detached, but it's because I'm terrified, Lyah. Terrified of losing you, of losing our child. The thought of anything happening to either of you..." He trails off, like he’s unable to voice the horror he imagines.
I bring my hand up to cup his cheek, wanting nothing more than to soothe his nightmares. I notice he’s taken to calling me Lyah, when in all the years of our marriage he’s refused to. It’s a sign he’s softening.
“And yet, despite that, it almost happened anyway.” His voice sounds almost tortured at the admittance.
I swallow hard, feeling the weight of his words. The fear in his eyes is palpable, and for the first time, I truly understand the burden he carries. "Niko," I say softly, my thumb rubbing his cheek in a way I never would have dared in the past. "I'm here. I'm safe. We both are." I guide his hand to my belly, letting him feel the slight swell where our child is kicking.
His breath catches and he looks awed as he drops to his knees in front of me, pushing my clothing aside so he can press a sweet kiss to my baby bump. “I’ll protect you with my dying breath,” he vows, his voice thick with emotion. "Both of you. No matter what.”
