I closed my eyes and dropped my head in shame.
Haizley was right.
I was a selfish bastard. I was angry at the one person who never expected anything from me but to be there. She nevertried to force me to be something I wasn’t. Never expected me to change. She loved me for who I was, and I fucking let her down.
“I fucking loved her. She was my whole goddamn life for five years and she didn’t even know it.”
I leaned forward, my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands. The couch dipped beside me, and Haizley put her arm around my shoulders.
“She knew it, Cash. She knew you loved her, but she also knew that she was dying. She didn’t push for more because she didn’t want you to hurt more than you had to.”
Haizley held the letter in her hand. “This letter... this shows just how much she loved you. So much so that she wanted you to find love again. She didn’t want you to grieve her so long that it stopped you from living and being happy.”
Haizley folded the letter and handed it back to me. “Tell me about this someone you met,” she demanded as she leaned back on the couch.
“It doesn’t matter. It can’t happen.”
“Why not?”
“She’s too fucking young.”
“How old is she?”
I slipped the letter into my back pocket and leaned back. My shoulder brushed Haizley’s, and I didn’t move aside. I needed a little of her warmth to get through this shit. These sessions sometimes felt more like talking to a little sister than a therapist.
“Twenty-one.”
“That’s only thirteen years. It could be worse.” She shrugged.
I turned to look at her. “Any worse and Dec would throw me in a cell. That’s if King didn’t kill me first.”
“Twenty-one is more of an adult than most girls who get into a relationship.”
I thought about Rose. She was so fucking small, but twenty-one surprised me after I had gotten to know her just a little bit.My mom was tiny like her. Well, not quite as small. But there was something in her eyes that said she had lived more than her years allowed.
“She’s scared.”
“Of you?”
“No.” I shook my head. “I’m not sure what it is, but there is something in her eyes. Something she’s afraid of. But she acts tough. She threatened to cut my dick off while holding a knife to my balls.”
Haizley barked out a laugh and then covered her mouth with her hands. “I’m so sorry,” she mumbled.
“It’s ok. She’s a big ballbuster in a tiny little package.” I smiled thinking about when she took off down the path because I had her key. She wouldn’t let my asshole move stop her.
“I can hear the smile in your voice when you talk about her. When did you meet her?”
“Two weeks ago.” I rubbed my hands up and down my face. “Tell me what to do, Haizley.”
She looked at me and rolled her lips between her teeth. “You won’t like what I’m about to say, but I’m gonna say it anyway,” she cautioned before standing from the couch and sitting back in her chair, switching to doctor mode once more.
“You need to talk to Ryder.”
“Fuck off, Haizley.” I jumped up and headed for the door.
“Dammit, Cash!” Haizley got there first. Her hands were at her back, pushed against the door, preventing my exit.
“Sit down, Cash.”
