Lane seemed a little lost in thought as hestarted to speak. “There wasn’t much of a question in my mind if I was gay ornot. I have an uncle who’s gay, and growing up, it wasn’t treated as anythinginteresting or special. So as I got older and people started to ask questionsabout crushes and if I liked anyone at school, it wasn’t difficult to explainit was some of my male classmates that I’d noticed.”
He stared off like he was seeing the past,but he continued without much of a pause. “But the lingerie was different. Myonly exposure to other people who were gay was my uncle, who was typicallymasculine, and the way gay men were sometimes portrayed on television. Thecampy stereotypical men that I couldn’t relate to. So I didn’t understand wherethe lingerie would fall. It took me a long time to work up the nerve to ordersomething online.”
Lane paused and made eye contact before hequickly turned his focus back to his plate. He was clearly expecting aresponse, but I wasn’t sure what. “Understanding how something new makes youfeel is always difficult. I can definitely understand.” Oh yes, I could. “Itake it that when what you ordered came in, it was something that you…enjoyed?”
I hadn’t felt that awkward in years, and I hatedhow it made me feel. Stumbling over words and hesitating wasn’t me.
Lane straightened, and his eyes came upsomewhat, but he still wasn’t completely relaxed. “Yes, they made me feelattractive in a way I hadn’t experienced before.”
Wanting to clear the air, I set my forkdown and reached across the table to take his hand. “I’m sorry. I’m tiptoeing aroundthings even though I promised not to. Let me try this again.”
A smile broke out on Lane’s face and helooked up at me. “Okay.”
I tried to think of what I wanted to say andwhat I wanted to know. He’d said that he wasn’t easily offended. I would have totake him at his word. “So it’s something you enjoy in your personal life, notjust for work, correct?”
His cheeks turned slightly pink, but henodded.
Feeling a little more comfortable, Icontinued. “And if our interest continues into a relationship, I would findthat most of the time the things you wore under your clothes would be morefeminine? I hope that’s a good way to describe it, because I don’t have abetter word.”
I was an English major. I had a prolificand wide-ranging vocabulary. I didn’t use it very often because most peoplethought that someone who looked like a biker shouldn’t talk like a collegeprofessor, but still, I should’ve been able to find another way to describe thelace and silk that he’d worn on the website.
Lane laughed. “That’s fine. The way weexplain things hasn’t quite caught up to who we are as a people yet. Languageevolves, and by the time I’m old, we’ll probably have lots of words that woulddescribe it differently. But really, it’s as good a way as any to say it.”Grinning, he cocked his head teasingly. “See, told you, not easily offended.”
I appreciated that about him, but I wasn’tsure if he realized that he hadn’t answered the other question. “I’m glad, butdon’t think I didn’t notice that you ignored the other question. Too personal?”
I hadn’t thought so, especially since he’dturned the conversation in that direction to begin with. Lane shook his head,but his gaze moved to our hands, still touching and caressing slowly. “No, notreally, and it’s a reasonable question even if it is personal.”
There was a short pause while he clearlytried to collect his thoughts, but he kept going quicker than I might have inhis place. “Yes, most of the time, I’m wearing the things that you would’veseen on the website. I’m not comfortable standing out in a crowd, even though Ido the modeling online. So I don’t wear clothes in public that most peoplewould identify as being specifically for a woman, but I have some at home thatI wear.”
I immediately pictured some of the nightgown-lookingpieces that he’d worn on the site. I wasn’t sure if that made me an ass or not.Of course, I’d never dated anyone that I’d seen in that state of undress beforeour first date so that probably had something to do with the erotic way mybrain interpreted the words. After seeing the pictures online,everymental image was much clearer.
As I thought about it, though, I realizedthat he might have meant something more practical. “Feel free to answer thishonestly, but would asking specific questions here be weird? I mean, it’sprobably going to be weird, but…”
No one else had ever managed to chase thewords from my head.
Lane laughed and finally set down his fork,leaning back against the booth. “Now you have to ask. You have me reallycurious.”
I knew my grin had to look slightlyembarrassed, but I pressed forward anyway. “Are you talking about skirts andthings or a more lingerie style of clothing?”
That hadn’t come out terribly. At least, Ididn’t think so.
Lane looked slightly self-conscious, butthere was also something teasing in his smile. It made me wonder what was goingthrough his mind. “Both. I have some dresses and skirts at the house that Iwear for fun and because they make me feel pretty. Most of what I have islingerie, nightgowns, and pieces that I can wear under my everyday clothing.”
I shoved my hesitation to the back of mymind and pressed forward with my question. “If you were to bring more thingslike that into your everyday clothes, what would it be?” Calling them women’sclothes seemed like I might be insulting him, but I really didn’t have thevocabulary for the discussion we were having.
It was frustrating.
Lane took a moment to think about it beforehe shrugged. “I don’t know exactly, but I think shoes, maybe.”
It wasn’t the answer I was expecting, andit made me smile. “Like heels?”
He nodded, and stretched one foot out ofthe booth to look at the boots he was wearing. They were nice, but fairlyunremarkable. Maybe the heel was a little high, but that was it.
“Yeah.” He turned his foot back and forth,analyzing it. “It would have to be shoes first. I think a great pair of women’sboots with a narrower line and higher heels would look really good with thesepants.”
I wasn’t much for fashion, but the artclasses I’d taken in college and just the people I’d hung out with made it easyto visualize what he was describing. “I agree. You could also get away with apair of those high heels with the thin heel. I don’t know what they’re called. Theygive a lot of height but cover up most of your foot.”
I should’ve taken more fashion classes incollege.
