But I remember Violet. My best friend in middle school. A year older, always effortlessly cool. She used to play with my hair, whisper secrets into the hollow behind my ear. I’d feel so warm afterward, so fidgety and charged, like I didn’t know what to do with my skin. I told myself it was admiration. But was that all it was?
I thought I wanted tobeher. But now, looking back, I think Iwantedher.
I just didn’t know that was allowed. I was, what, twelve at the time? Gosh, that seems so young when I look back from where I am now at twenty-two, when I compare it with the different couples and packs I’ve met and all the beautiful ways love can exist between people.
Meggie and I used to do each other’s hair and share a blanket watching a movie on the couch, but that wasn’t at all like the hot restlessness I felt being close to Violet.
“There’s something I need to tell you.” Ava’s voice sounds a little strained, and it immediately cuts through all my rambling thoughts.
I turn around to look at her, dress hanging loosely over my head, hands still fumbling to unclasp my bra.
She sucks her lips between her teeth.
“Is something wrong?” I ask.
The eye contact she’s making is intense, like she’s trying to see straight into me. A flush builds from my chest, up my neck, my skin turning blotchy in the mirror behind Ava.
“I kissed Knox.” Her gaze doesn’t waver from my face, fully owning her confession. “I had a heat spike, of sorts, I guess. Knox helped me with it. He knows I’m an omega. And he said Declan keeps the pills in his wallet. I wanted to tell you last night, but…”
“Oh.” My stomach drops like the floor just gave out beneath me, a sting flashing sharp behind my ribs before I can school my face into something neutral. “Oh,” I repeat, softer.
Turning away again, I pull the dress down enough to cover my chest as I let my bra fall. With my jean shorts still underneath, the fabric bunches awkwardly at my hips.
“I’m sorry,” Ava says. “I know you have a history. And?—”
“No. It’s good.” I force a laugh as I shimmy my shorts off.
“Good?”
“I couldn’t get anything out of Declan, but now we know where the pills are, and that’s good. Really good. We don’t want you having any more heat spikes, or God forbid, a proper heat, right? I mean that would?—”
“Emily.”
She says my name with the force of a brick. It stops my words, but not my mental spiral. Did she like kissing Knox? Did he like kissing her? Will I have to watch as they develop a relationship this week? I can see it now. Knox, making her laughthe way he used to make me laugh. Ava, looking at him the way she looked at me when she taught me to touch myself, pure heat and fire. The two of them kissing, hands roaming everywhere, clothes coming off, hot skin against hot skin, and?—
“Em, I didn’t mean for it to happen.” Ava’s hand comes to my shoulder. I turn slowly. She’s standing now, and in her heels she’s tall enough that my face is just a little above her perfect breasts, right at the level of her neck. Where Knox will probably bite her.
“It was instinct,” she whispers with a wince. “Biology. Nothing more.”
“It’s okay if you want it to be something more.” I tug on the top of my dress, but that makes the hem ride up my ass, so I yank on it, which makes the top slip down and expose more of what little cleavage I have. I feel naked, vulnerable. “It’s fine. I get it. Knox is hot, and he’s got that bad boy thing going on. Sure, he’s technically a criminal, but he’s got a good heart, and I know he was trying to help omegas—like you—and I don’t have any claim on him. I was, like, sixteen when we dated. He’s an alpha, and I’m?—”
“Don’t you dare say you’re just a beta.” She steps forward, backing me against the mirror. “You’re bright and beautiful. Like… like… sunshine.” She says the last word like a breathy sigh of realization. “Yeah, you’re sunshine, Emily. And we all gravitate around you.”
It’s too similar to how Knox described me. But packs don’t gravitate around betas. They gravitate around omegas. Like Ava. Not that we’re a pack. We’re friends who barely know each other. We’ll part ways as soon as this ship lands and probably never be in the same room together ever again.
My heart pinches tight. If only they knew how quickly my thoughts turn into black holes, how dark my fears really are. They wouldn’t think I’m sunshine then. I lift my chin, somethingdefiant swimming in my gut. “What if I don’t want to be sunshine?”
Ava narrows her eyes. “What do you want to be?”
“I don’t know.” I look behind her into the mirror. “But I know I’m not assunnyas everyone thinks I am. Most of the time, I’m really… scared.”
“Are you scared right now?”
My breath feels shallow and shaky, anxiety and arousal swirling together as heat coils low in my belly. Every glance from Ava sparks along my nerves like static. She’s so close I can taste the blackberry scent of her on my tongue. I’ve always loved blackberries.
“Is everything okay in there?” Knox’s voice comes from right outside. “Fuck, Ava,” he says, lower, like he’s leaning right against the curtain. “Your scent…”
She’s perfuming. Shoot.
