It wasn’t supposed to be like this. When I faked my death and ran away from home the plan was always to go back. To catch my father so Allie and I could finally be free. Together.
And now I’m sitting here alone, hidden away in the mountains, and I don’t even have the slightest idea where my sister is, let alone if she’s okay.
“You’re identical twins, right?” Alistair asks, his hands linked together on his lap.
My scars hurt. “In every way,” I say.
Alistair nods. “What was it like living without her when you first ran away from home?”
I blink. That’s not what I was expecting him to ask and for some reason it hits me harder than anything else he could have asked.What was it like living every day without the other half ofmyself?“Brutal,” I confess.
Allie and I were raised as one person. Literally. One day I’d go to school and sleep in the bedroom, then the next day, I’d be in the basement while Allie went to school. Sometimes we’d godays only seeing each other when we switched roles. I thought I’d be fine by myself. But even when we barely saw each other, I always knew she was there. We’d leave each other notes or little gifts hidden in our locker at school.
To the rest of the world, there was no Allie and me. There was just Angelica.
I guess that’s bound to mess with your head, but I don’t think I realized how intrinsically Allie was wrapped around the core of my identity until suddenly she was gone.
“It was like I had to relearn everything,” I tell Alistair. “Getting out of bed, brushing my teeth, talking to people. It all felt different, wrong, without her there.” I lean back in the chair and study the rock ceiling, getting lost in the memory of that time. “When I was younger, I used to talk to her in my mind. I’d pretend that we could hear each other’s thoughts. It wasn’t real though, it shouldn’t have made any difference after I left, but suddenly my head was so quiet. She was just gone.”
“And how did that feel?”
I look back at Alistair. “Like I was missing a part of myself.”
“Do you still feel like that?”
I shake my head. “Not to the same extent. It took a while but I figured out who I was or at least, who I wanted to be.”
“Did you have any long-term relationships before you met River and his team?”
I frown at the change in subjects. “Not exactly. Why?”
“It’s not unusual for twins to be co-dependent even when they haven’t experienced a shared trauma. It sounds like you worked hard to become your own person.”
“Is that a bad thing?”
“Not at all. But romantic relationships are complex and I wonder whether part of you is scared you’ll lose yourself again.”
Frustration tugs at my mind. I tilt my head back and stare at the ceiling. “I thought we were done talking about the guys.”
“I think there’s a reason you keep running from them.”
“I ran to protect them,” I snap. “You can analyze that to death if you want but it won’t change a thing. That part of my life is over. They’re gone and I’m never going to see them again.” I slam the laptop screen shut just before my voice catches, a sob ripping from my chest.
I bury my face in my arms and grip my hair as tears stream from my eyes. I don’t even feel the flashback coming before I’m wrenched into the past.
My head pounds as I lie curled up in a ball on the basement floor. The concrete is cold and rough against my bare skin and I wince as Allie presses the soft cotton wool to the fresh cut of fire on my back.
She grips my hand. “It’s okay, just a bit more. The bleeding’s almost stopped.”
“It hurts,” I sob.
“It’s going to be okay. We’re going to be okay.” She sounds so sure, and I relax a little bit. If Allie says it will be okay, then it will be. Even though I know she’s bleeding too. Even though I know Dad cut her the same way he cut me. Even though he had that scary look in his eyes, the one he gets before he brings home another one of the crying women…
By the time I come back to myself, I’m sitting on the floor, huddled under Carmen’s desk. My entire body aches and my head feels like someone is crushing my skull. I haven’t had this many flashbacks since before I met the guys. River’s the only person who’s ever managed to pull me out of one and as much as what I told Alistair is true I can’t help but wish River was here with me now. Or Oz, or Jude, or Eli.
Maybe then I could breathe.
5
