My clothes are dirty and ripped from the chase with River and I strip them off before getting into the shower. This whole place is essentially carved out of the mountain and the water runs like a waterfall from a gap in the stone wall.
I turn the heat up and let the water wash away the dried blood and dirt.
I’m sore between my legs. I haven’t been used like that in weeks and maybe I should be mad at River for taking me so brutally, but I wanted it and right now the pain is the only thing keeping me grounded. It feels like the least I deserve.
I was a fool to think Zach would just disappear. That me leaving the men I love would be enough for him. He’s a sadist. A killer. And killers don’t just stop. That’s like profiling 101.
Maybe Alistair is right. Maybe I should have stayed and trusted the guys to find a way to catch Zach before he could hurt us. Maybe then a little girl wouldn’t be dead.
I let my head hang forward, water running down my face and bouncing off the gray stone floor.
I have to go back. I know that now. I might still be scared Zach will come after the guys but there is no world in which I won’t do everything I possibly can to save the girl he’s taken.
By the time I’ve showered I’ve managed to bury most of the dread and guilt deep in a metaphorical grave. I dig my jeans and leather jacket out of the closet and pull them on like they’re armor. I’m tying up my boot laces when there’s a knock on the door and Rebekah slips inside.
She hesitates, pressing her hands behind her back as she leans against the wall. Her eyes land on the half-packed bag on my bed. “So, you’re leaving?”
I finish tightening my laces and straighten up. “I have to.”
She nods, her braids rustling against her shoulders. “Yeah, I know. I think it’s good.”
I lift a brow. “Yeah?”
She presses her lips tighter and nods again. “You’re not happy here, without them.” She shifts her gaze, studying the corner of the room.
I don’t know exactly what Rebekah went through in the cult, but I know that whatever training she was subjected to has left its mark. She’s learned to protect herself by shutting off emotions, by not showing fear. Anyone else might see the cold, detached look on her face and assume she doesn’t care, but I’m well acquainted with masks.
“You know that’s not because of you, right? Or Carmen or Samuel.”
Her nostrils flare and her eyes flick to me before looking away again.
I twist my new bracelet around my wrist. “Carmen’s the closest thing I have to family. And you and Sam, you fit into that too now.”
Rebekah’s throat bobs. She shrugs. “Yeah, whatever.” The corner of her lip tilts up in a hint of a smile. “Just don’t let them boss you around too much.”
I smile back. “Noted.”
I finish stuffing my clothes into my bag, do the zipper up, and hike it over my shoulder. “You’ll tell Sam he can call me anytime?”
Rebekah pushes away from the wall. “Sure.”
“You could call too, if you wanted,” I say as I open the door, and we step out into the hall.
Rebekah’s smile grows a little bigger. “Noted.”
We walk down the hall together until Rebekah peels off to go and bug AJ, leaving me to return to the TV room by myself.
I stop in the open doorway and five sets of eyes land on me. I adjust the strap of my bag on my shoulder and stare back. My gaze flicks over Carmen, then, for the first time since the guys arrived, I allow myself the time to properly take them in.
River still hasn’t sat down. He’s standing between the couch and the TV, his shirt sleeves rolled up and his arms crossed over his chest. The black strands of hair that fell loose in our chase are raked back now, the style as neat and imposing as ever and yet something’s different about him. The brutality from earlier still simmers beneath his eyes, like the sharp control he always has is shot.
Unease tiptoes down my spine and I shift my gaze away. Instinct has me turning to Jude where he’s sitting with his legs up on the couch, but instead of finding my sweet, caring Jude I’m met with a dead stare. It’s not angry or mean like Eli’s used to be, it’s just vacant and my heart sinks down to my feet.
I dip my chin and stare at the natural striations in the floor. Dealing with my own emotions from running was hard enough, I was never supposed to have to face the guys. To see first-hand the damage I caused.
Part of me wants to walk out into the mountains, disappear into the snow and never come back but the rest of me yearns to be close to the guys again. It’s like a magnetic force is pulling me towards them, but a shit ton of unspoken words and emotions form a solid wall between us that I’m about to go crashing into. I want to tear the distance I’ve created to shreds and bury myself in their arms but I’m not so naive to think that they’ll welcome me back.
So, I’m just going to have to deal with this new version of Jude, with River’s dark anger.
