"I’m just not sure I want to be with him forever. Does that make sense? If you don’t want to be with someone forever what’s the point in bothering?"
"Is that your question to me?" He raised an eyebrow.
"Yeah, it is."
I was eager for the attention to move away from me and my relationship; that, until now, I had thought was going well.
"I think we have relationships with different people to learn things. Learn how to behave, how to fuck, how to break up, and how to be."
When he said fuck, something danced within my stomach, something unfamiliar, yet delightful.
What he said made complete sense. I bit my lip and looked at him as he continued.
"You said he makes you happy, and that he is sweet. Is that what you want? Like, what really turns you on? Do you even know?" His expression didn’t falter at all.
I swallowed, feeling ashamed that I couldn’t even answer him.
What did I want? Him? Could I just say that?
"I don’t know what I want, you’re right,” I whispered.
He raised his eyebrows again quizzically.
"As for what turns me on?" I cleared my throat, my stomach twisting with desire as I imagined it. "I want to kiss someone in the rain. I want someone to push me against a wall, kiss me hard, and pull my hair to the point of pain. I want to want someone so much they are all I think about."
I cannot bring myself to meet his eyes, despite them burning into me.
Breathe, Gretchen.
When I finally lifted my eyes to him, he didn't speak, he just continued to stare at me. This time I couldn’t read his expression at all.
I asked him a question to change the course of the conversation.
"My turn. Do you like being single?" I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.
Where had this bravery come from?
He cleared his throat. "It’s not about being single or being in a relationship. It would justbe. I would have to feel things I had never felt before to be in a relationship of any kind. That would show me it was different, not just a fuck, or a crush. I’ve not felt like that yet,” he cut his eyes at me. “Are you really making notes? It’s confidential!"
I looked up guiltily from the notepad I’d grabbed to scribble in.
"No, I was making key notes. Like, needing a new emotion to experience something new."
His next question stopped me in my tracks. "Are you in love with him, Gretchen?"
His voice seemed different now, and I swallowed, replying quickly.
"I love him, Cal. He’s my boyfriend."
"That’s not what I asked," he argued. "I asked if you wereinlove with him. Totally different."
He looked at me as our eyes went to war. His emerald green ones won, and I dropped mine to the floor.
"I think I may not be," I admitted, as I blinked and realized, I had tears in my eyes.
What the fuck was going on?
"I have to go. It’s getting late,” I mumbled, standing up as he stood with me, his hands tilting my face up to his as he looked at me with concern.
