I push the suitcase under the bed. There isn’t room in the small closet that holds the few clothes I have. My coat hangs on the hook behind the door. It’s the one that Cain, thankfully, brought back when he came to Nectar to…I have no idea why he came.
Maybe to gloat?
Look at what I did to you—now, you’re mopping up urine?
I hide the envelope of money inside a sanitary pad. It’s an old foster child trick. I even put some ketchup on the pad so it looks like dried blood, and no one will touch it.
I have now saved six hundred dollars. I can leave Silverton, go to Los Angeles.
I could also stay.
I like it here. It’s quiet. Especially, this new job. No one bothers me. I work alone in silence. I do my job, get my paycheck, and keep at it.
Is this living or surviving?
Same difference for someone like me. And what did living give me? I tried, didn’t I? I fell in love and trusted, and what did that give me?
I got hurt here, but I also found solace.
Should I stay or should I go?
Since I don’t know, I leave the question hanging in the air.
Thankfully, my alarm goes off, which means it’s time for my shift.
Cleaning is like meditation, or at least it is for me.
Focus on the small things. The speck of dirt. The stain that won’t go away.
Leave the world behind.
16
A HOLLOW APOLOGY
CAIN
I’m afraid. Scared shitless. That’s the God’s honest truth.
I knock on her door and stand away from it, just in case.
Of what, dickhead?
I know her schedule now. When I first asked Ricky, he told me to go fuck myself. When I explained that I wanted to make things right, he gave in after I begged. The man has a nasty streak.
I’ve been making amends, or at least trying. I told Bob to give the money he stole back, and he said, “No way, I didn’t steal nothing.”
So, I sent Kyle to deal with him, and promptly, Bob went with him to see Faith, give her money,andher suitcase back.
“Why did he take the fuckin’ suitcase?” I muse, disgusted with Bob-The-Dirtbag.
“It was new?” Kyle suggests, shaking his head. “Bob is a pustule on society.”
“No question about that.”
“Well, he made restitution. So, that’s the good news.”
“How was she?”
