She looked at the groceries dropped on the porch, then back to where I was sitting. “Are you okay?”
I swallowed, then looked toward the open window. Joni followed my gaze, then slapped a hand over her mouth. “Oh—shit. Um…” And then, like she couldn’t help herself, she laughed and turned back to the house. “Babe?”
“Yeah?” Nathan’s voice was as steady and calm as ever.
“Marie’s here. And we, um, left the window open.”
There was a pause.
Then: “Fuck.”
There was that word again. Deep, brutal, but without remorse.
Color rose in Joni’s cheeks, but she didn’t apologize. Or seem ashamed. She did have the decency to wince as she sat down beside me. “We’ll just give him a minute. Did we scar you?”
I rolled my eyes but couldn’t quite meet her gaze. “I’m an adult.”
“Yeah, but you’ve never?—”
“It’s fine. Let’s not talk about it anymore. Although, honestly. On Lea’s couch?”
“It was her coffee table. Nathan’s disinfecting it now.”
I made a face. “I’ll be sure not to touch it anyway.”
Joni giggled, almost like she wanted to be asked more. Interrogated. Shamed even, the way I once might have.
But Nathan wasn’t just some rando she was screwing. He wasn’t just a boyfriend of the hour, as Lea would have called them.
He was the love of her life. Anyone could see it.
Jealousy tore through my confusion like a knife.
“So, how was the rest of the party?” Joni nudged my shoulder. “What happened with Daniel? I saw him drooling, and then you disappeared.”
After leaving the conservatory, I’d found Joni and Nathan just long enough to tell them I was going to bed but hadn’t filled her in on anything that happened. I was too mortified about all of it at the time.
“We danced.” That much was true. “He was happy to see me, I think. But then he had to deal with some family thing and never came back.” I shrugged. “I think it’s nothing.”
“It’s not nothing,” Joni assured me. “I styled you myself last night. You looked like sex on a stick, and the man couldn’t stop staring at you. If he got waylaid, it had nothing to do with you.” She turned her face up to the sun, reveling in the rays. “He’ll find you. No doubt.”
I watched her for a moment. Joni had always been sure of herself with men, and with good reason. They had clung to her like flies since her boobs appeared and she learned to wink.
I thought about the conservatory, about Lucas appearing instead of Daniel. About that kiss. My first kiss.
“You okay?” Joni studied my face. “You’re quiet, even for you. Did something else happen?”
I hesitated. “Have you ever felt nothing? When you should feel something?”
“What do you mean?”
I had been so excited when Daniel held me on that dance floor. Like I was levitating when he asked me to meet him in the conservatory.
But now, thinking about it alongside the dance I had shared with Lucas (and everything that had followed), the moment with Daniel seemed to pale. Like footage in black and white after I’d just seen color.
“With Nathan.” I already regretted bringing this up. “When you’re together. Do you always feel something? Like you want to, you know.”
Joni’s eyes popped open with understanding. “Is this about sex? Oh my God, Mimi, did you?—”
