‘No. Never.’
‘Exactly.’
‘So, what are you saying?’
‘I don’t know. I know what I want. I just don’t know how it could ever work.’ I moved to the other end of the sofa, finding my dressing gown and wrapping it around myself tightly, placing my head in my hands.
Tom perched on the coffee table opposite me, and tenderly took my hands in his. ‘Look at me, Mally.’
I raised my damp eyes to meet his.
‘I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t been trying to dismiss the same thoughts myself. But the simple truth is this: I like you. A lot. I think I always have done. And I have no idea where any of this might lead us, let alone how we might get there. But I do know that I just want to keep spending time with you. Things feel lighter when I’m with you. What was that word you used the other night to describe your family Christmases? Oh yeah:tingly. Well, that’s howyoumakemefeel. You make my face ache from smiling. And, well, it’s hard to explain, but you’ve made me realise that home doesn’t have to be a place. It can be a feeling. Or a person.’
The tears that fell from my eyes this time were happy ones. These were the nicest things anyone had ever said to me. And every nerve ending in my body told me that this was right. This was different. Billy, and the others before him, had helped me to forget myself for a while. But I was done with forgetting, now.
I squeezed his hands. ‘I make you tingle.’ It wasn’t a question but a statement. I rubbed the nub of his neck again as he nodded, his hair follicles rising in appreciation. It was our thing, already. ‘So, what do we do now?’
‘Take it slowly, day by day, I guess.’
‘Slow sounds good.’
‘Yeah… so, on that note, I reckon it might be best if I head off. Not that I want to, mind you, but if I don’t get going soon I, erm, might not ever feel the urge to leave. And Mum definitely wouldn’t be able to eat that whole turkey by herself tomorrow.’
‘Ha. Yeah, I think that might be wise.’
‘You should come with me.’
His statement took me completely by surprise. Planning to spend Christmas with Tom and his mum while I was a temporary Scarnbrook resident had been one thing. But spending it with them so soon after what this sofa had just witnessed was quite another.
‘That… doesn’t sound slow, Tom.’
‘Yeah, I know. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said it. But… it feels right. And we can still take things slowly even if we’re together, so thought I’d throw it out there.’
It feels right to me, too.
‘I’m… just not sure,’ I replied tentatively.
Yes, you are.
‘Wouldn’t it be a bit weird staying at your mum’s place given all of… this?’ I waved my hands wildly in the space between us as if the gesture somehow did the physical ache I felt for him justice.
He grabbed my flailing hands decisively but gently, and pulled me onto his lap on the coffee table, tucking my greasy hair behind my ears.
‘Trust me, Mal, she’d be bloody thrilled to have you come back – she’s been so worried. Plus, she knows how much I care about you. I think it would be a nice thing – for all of us. I’m driving straight to hers from here to stay there for the next few days.’
I thought about my barren fridge and my near-empty box of Coco Pops. I never had got around to picking up any shopping – not even that Pret Christmas sandwich – what with everything that had been going on.
This is risky, Mally.
‘I… think I need to recalibrate here for a bit. But give her my love and tell her I can’t wait to see her again soon.’
I knew these words were the safest words, so why did they feel so unnatural in my mouth?
‘Of course, I totally get it. And I’m sorry again for putting you on the spot. But if you change your mind, at any time, call me – yeah? And please unblock my number so I can call you when I get back?’
I extracted my phone and did the honours. ‘Consider yourself permitted.’
Tom kissed the top of my head before standing up and gathering his things. ‘Hey, I totally forgot to ask what’s happening with your article now thatThe Helixis closing?’
