‘I’m listening.’
I made quick work of another mouthful of curry before lifting the remote control to my mouth and activating the microphone: ‘A Christmas Reunion.’
‘I had no idea my remote did that,’ Elle said. ‘And why are you speaking in such a deep voice?’
‘Because voice technology favours male voices. Don’t get me started…’
Elle scribbled something down on her ever-present notepad – no doubt an idea for a feature had popped into her head, as it often did mid-conversation.
I selected the first film on the menu.
‘Er, Mally, that’sA Family Reunion Christmas, notA Christmas Reunion.’
‘Doesn’t matter. They’re all the same. As long as you use the prefix “Christmas” or “holiday” you can pretty much choose any word and a film will show up. Try it!’
‘Umm, okay.Christmas Grope.’
‘Elle!’
But, despite Elle’s attempts to defeat the system, the words ‘Hope at Christmas’ appeared, accompanied by an image of a couple standing in front of a Christmas tree fashioned from a huge stack of books. The woman was wearing a deep red winter coat, while the man sported one in a dark shade of green. They looked disconcertingly alike.
‘That’ll do nicely,’ I said. ‘Right, first, we need stronger alcohol.’
‘This is getting better and better.’ Elle placed a bottle of artisan sloe gin on the table and two glasses.
‘Ooh, classy. Right, then. This is not only a film. It’s a game. I’ve taken the liberty of creating some accompanying viewing notes.’
‘Are you going to test me afterwards or something?’
‘Not this time. Here’s your worksheet. And here’s your pen.’
‘Only you would bring a selection of stationery to a girly night in.’
‘I mean business. Because tonight, Elle, we’re playing: Christmas movie bingo!’
‘I’ve not seen you this excited about watching something since they announced the first “late night”Hollyoaks. I’m definitely going to need more information to go on.’
‘Of course. You see, every single one of these American made-for-TV festive films follows an almost identical formula. There’ll be a single woman in her thirties with a successful career who ends up in a picture-perfect small town for some convoluted reason. She’ll fall in love with a warm-hearted chiselled chap while she’s there and jack in her job to start a new life with him.’
‘Jesus, Mally. I knew you loved all the Christmas classics but I had no idea you’d descended into the realm of TV movies. Surely there are better ways to spend your time?’
Not everyone’s living their perfect life, Elle.But I didn’t let my face give away my feelings.
‘Life’s about balance! Are you seriously telling me you’ve never watched any of these films before?’
‘Not knowingly, no.’
Unlike me, Elle had never been the type of person to laze about watching shows likeHomes Under the HammerandSay Yes to the Dressfor hours on end, so it didn’t surprise me that she hadn’t ever stumbled across these weirdly addictive movies on wintry weekend afternoons.
‘It doesn’t matter,’ I continued. ‘So, whenever one of the tropes on your sheets happens you a) tick it off and b) drink a finger of your alcoholic beverage.’
‘Okay, I’ll humour you. So let me get my head around my list.’
Christmas movie bingo! Elle’s card
Fake snow
