He stopped, and I held my breath.
“But what, Johnny?” Cori asked. Her voice was gentle, but I sensed the upset behind it.
“It wasn’t for me, Sis.”
“What does that mean, it wasn’t for you?”
“I don’t want to be a dick about it, because I know everyone has their shit. But it was like, one girl I talked to was a student who started using cocaine to get through study sessions. This other guy was some big shot at a tech company who made six figures while mainlining smack every day. There were a few guys my age, but I just couldn’t lose that scratchy feeling under my skin. And I don’t mean from the lack of a fix. Bottom line, Conscious Horizons wasn’t a good fit. So I left.”
Cori’s face screwed up. “That’s it then,bottom line?” She stood abruptly. “You didn’t even try! It was always going to be hard. Less than twenty days isn’t long enough to know!”
Johnny glared at her. “It wasn’t the right place.”
“It has the best reputation in the Puget Sound!”
“Just because it’s the best, doesn’t mean it’s the best place for me!”
“Jesus!” Cori paced in front of us, arms flailing. “That’s a lame excuse if I ever heard one! So, what, you came here to try to get clean on your own? Like, after all this time, you’ve figured out how to enact that particular miracle!? Or did you just show up so I could watch you die!?”
“Fuck, Cori!” It was Johnny’s turn to stand. He took a few strides toward the front door. “If you’re going to yell and give me shit, I can fucking leave!”
I jumped up, grabbing him by the wrist.
“Alright, alright, you two. Head to your corners.” I turned to Johnny. “You need to look at this from your sister’s perspective. Checking yourself out of rehab is obviously a problem. Fuck, man, I’m worried too. Just telling us it wasn’t good does nothing about the fact that you have the heart of a Golden Girl and you’re dealing with HIV now.”
I released Johnny’s arm, and he took a few deep breaths.
“Look, I brought my meds with me,” he said. “I think I’ve got that part down.” He glanced at Cori. “I really appreciate you paying out of pocket for them. I don’t know how I’ll ever pay you back—”
“You don’t have to—”
“I know. I knew you’d say that. And just so we’re clear, I am very aware of what happens if I don’t take the meds. Which is why I’m sucking up my fucking pride and accepting the help. Despite what you apparently believe, I don’t actuallywantto die. The fact that I’m here and not back out on the street should prove that to you. I just couldn’t stay in that place anymore.”
Cori’s phone rattled. She exhaled resignedly and checked the screen. “It’s the rehab. I’m going to talk to them.”
“But I already told you—” Johnny started.
“I get it! This is not me babying you, Johnny. I just need to ask about paperwork and payments and stuff like that. They won’t tell me about your treatment. It’s confidential.”
“You can ask them if you want. I’ll give my permission. But I already told you. It wasn’t the place for me.”
“You don’t have to keep saying that,” I muttered.
Cori pursed her lips and went into a room behind the kitchen to take the call.
I sat down with Johnny at the dining table, glancing at his duffel bag.
“Your meds are in there?”
“Yeah. Right on top, clearly labeled and everything.”
“Stop being a dick. We’re trying to help you.”
“Oh, it’swenow?” Johnny emitted a low noise that might have been a laugh before smirking at me. “For a year, I’ve been telling you to work your shit out with my sister. Now suddenly you’re fake married and both of you are up my ass like it’s a team sport. I’m not sure this was what I had in mind.”
I crossed my arms and tilted the chair back, eyeing him. “You couldn’t have lasted another few weeks? Not even to make your sister feel better?”
“I couldn’t do it, man. Couldn’t stay there.” Johnny picked at the reddened skin around his fingernails. It drew my eyes to his new tattoos. On his right hand, each bottom knuckle had a number, starting with his thumb: 9-8-2-0-1. Everett’s zip code.
