“Mm-hmm?”
“I’m sorry I took your credit card.”
Cori blew out a loud breath. “I know, J. You can make it up to me by not dying.”
“The crazy part is, if he hadn’tstolen her card, and she hadn’t gotten so mad about it, he’d probably be dead right now.” I raised the pint glass to my lips and took a sip. I wasn’t much of a drinker, but this seemed like a night for an exception.
It had taken me the better part of an hour to bring Juan up to speed on the past few days. He needed to know, not just as my friend but also as my business partner at J&D. Everything going on was fucking with my head.
Juan waited patiently until I finished.
“Alright, so it sounds like Johnny is stable even though some bad shit went down. And the HIV… That is fucking rough,” he said. “But I don’t think that’s why you’re drinking a Modelo and not a ginger ale. How was it seeing Cori? You’ve been avoiding that too long, man.”
I took a swig from the bottle. “Have you been talking to my mom or something?”
“Nah. But if Mamá Decker thinks it’s good for you to dig in with Cori, that should tell you something.”
“I just don’t understand why everyone’s on me all of a sudden.”
“Come on,bróder, it’s not all of a sudden. You’ve got that night all backward in your head. I’ve told you that. Your parents keep telling you that. But it ain’t getting through. Maybe you need to hear it from the girl.”
“I already did,” I mumbled under my breath.
“¿Qué?”
“She already told me.” I looked Juan in the eye. “Yesterday, Cori asked why I’d sworn Johnny to secrecy about me. Then she guessed the reason. Went right for the jugular, mentioning that night. Said it wasn’t my fault.”
It was the same thing she’d written in the letters she’d sent to me in prison. Offering absolution in careful, perfect printing.
“See? She’s moved on. So should you.”
I shook my head. “You can’t spin this, man. Even Cori can’t. I spent years locked up thinking about what happened. Even if I protected her that night, I’m still the one who brought the shit into our lives.”
“People make their own choices,amigo. What Chi-chi did—that’s on him. And you…Johnny…Cruz…Eliazar…were all just kids. You weren’t responsible for them, and you need to stop blaming yourself. It’s okay to talk to Cori. You haven’t said it straight out, but I know you had a thing for her back then.”
A thing?
Out of control at eighteen, the sanest part of my life had been the secret I’d guarded in my soul—the way I felt about Cori.
Those feelings had stirred yesterday when she sat in my living room. When she walked fearlessly into that house. When she peered up at me from inside my hoodie. And today, when she called me her husband.
Stupid thoughts. The hope of being good enough for her died years ago, before I’d gone away.
That dream was as dead as Eliazar.
“No good can come from me being in her life, Juan. You should see how she looks, all shiny and polished. I don’t want to touch that. Even if I’ve spent the past twelve years reliving that night, if she’s moved on, then good for her. She doesn’t need me in her face, reminding her.” I slammed the bottle on the table.
“You need to stop punishing yourself. You did your time. And you didn’t do anything that motherfucker Chi-chi didn’t deserve.”
That was true. I may have hated prison, but I didn’t regret what I’d done. I had other regrets.
“It’s not just her,” I said.
“What do you mean?”
“You know. There’s Cori. But also Marisol. Cruz is sitting in jail. Eliazar’s fucking dead, and Johnny’s about there! Cori doesn’t need my brand of poison back in her life.”
I’d pretended to rag on Cori earlier for turning her back on the neighborhood. In truth, I understood her motivation. She’d dealt with the past by walking away from it.
