Page 62 of Christmas Chemistry


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“That’s not fair. I didn’t know that things were going to…develop…between us.”

My sisters scoffed in unison.

“It doesn’t even matter because he doesn’t have a teaching job here next year,” I insisted.

“So?” Maureen looked at me with genuine confusion.

“Obviously, it means we can’t stay together.”

“Does James have some rare condition that prevents him from working at any job other than teaching?”

I scowled at her. “Of course hecoulddo something else. But he’s magical in the classroom, like he was born to it. He loves being a teacher.”

“Yeah?” This time it was Miranda who spoke up, raising her perfectly threaded eyebrow at me. “Well, it may turn out that he loves something else more.”

“You can’t just keep protecting yourself, little sister. You’ve got to let it go and take a chance sometimes,” Maureen said.

“I’ve taken the chance on James. We’re together now. I’m enjoying every moment we have for as long as it lasts.”

“You realize you sound ridiculous, right?” Miranda straightened her shoulders as she eyed me pointedly. “Because you keep talking like things between the two of you are going to end any moment. That’s not taking a chance. That’s hedging your bets.”

Maureen walked over to the picture of our parents at the Christmas party. “I know it’s been rough for you these past few years. You’ve always been a planner. You’ve never had Miranda’s wanderlust or my obsessive need to prove myself at work. But you’ve made a mistake in somehow equating that with being boring or undesirable. And when bad stuff happens, that’s the lens you use to logic it away.”

I suddenly wished very much that my sisters hadn’t arrived early. “What are you getting at, Maureen?”

“When Kasen broke up with you, it was a shitty thing to go through. But you interpreted that as ayouproblem. Like, you weren’t exciting enough or good enough to make him want to stay. I knew the breakup hurt you. We all did. But you didn’t want to discuss it. You came home and took care of Mom. You never got emotional about Kasen.”

“Except for the part where I refused to speak to him and didn’t answer any of his texts.”

“That’s just what you do. You go into robot mode. You did it the whole time Mom was sick. In order to take care of her without falling apart.”

I looked over at Miranda. By her expression, she was in firm agreement with Maureen. My hackles rose. “Don’t accuse me of being a robot. It’s not like I didn’t care. I have feelings, you know. Sometimes I cried all day!”

“I don’t doubt it. I’m just trying to get you to see the pattern. You’re more comfortable with a script. It was like you were a star student going through the five stages of grief. Textbook-perfect.”

“Why are you ragging on me for coping with our mother’s death? Would it have been better if I had been too overwrought to speak to the mortuary people like you were? Or if I’d stayed drunk for a week like Miranda?”

“Hey!” Miranda cried.

At the distraught look on her face, I softened. “I’m not judging you, baby sis. I know we all did what we had to do when Mom passed.”

Maureen wasn’t done. “I’m not ragging on you. We are so grateful you stepped in back then. I just don’t want you to give up something great. Because I’ve never seen you light up more than when you talk about James. And I know you don’t like messy, jumping in without a script or pre-ordained outcome. But I don’t want you to have this regret.” She put a comforting arm around my waist, plastering me to her side.

“What do you want me to do?” I mumbled into her shoulder.

“I want you to be damn sure before you shove him away. Fighting for him is an option. Recognizing that he’s fighting for you is another.” Maureen straightened. “I know it’s hard for you to demand anything for yourself. So, I’m asking plainly, do you want James to stay?”

The question was so reminiscent of the one James had asked last night, almost verbatim. Except this time, I had an answer.

“Yes.”

“Then tell him. Be with him.”

My heart leaped at the prospect, while also clenching in absolute terror.

“What if we can’t make it work?”

“I doubt that will happen, but if it does, we’ll be here. With rum-laced eggnog and whatever else you need. And it’ll be okay even if you cry and scream and don’t handle everything perfectly. No matter what happens, you’ll be alright. Even if James does break your heart, he won’t breakyou. I promise. And you’ll be better for having taken a chance.”