“Me?” I stammered.
“Yes. You. Should I let him potentially implode Gage’s entire life?” Renn shifted back to Pete. “You realize this is going to hurt Robbie, right, if it comes out? His brother becomes his half-brother-slash-cousin? He’s already on the edge. Or does that even matter to you?”
“Of course it matters,” Pete gritted out. “I get that the whole situation is messed up, but you know as well as I do it’ll all come out eventually. Didn’t we learn last year that secrets don’t stay hidden forever?”
Renn looked at me again. “Well?”
I knew Renn wasn’t asking for my honest opinion. He just wanted me to validate his way of thinking. I didn’t want to tell Renn the truth, that I agreed with Pete. Secrets always came out, and ultimately, it would be better for them to make a conscious decision to inform the boys, to control the narrative, rather than risk a repeat of the red envelope fiasco. It would hurt, sure, but this family was already hurting. What would cause the least pain?
My silence gave Renn his answer. “You fucking agree with him!” I looked down at my feet. “I can’t believe this. You’re siding with Pete…again!” Renn looked around and I felt a momentary panic for the sugar bowl turtle, but he settled for banging his fist against the wall and fleeing to his bedroom, slamming the door so hard the frame shook.
The oven timer dinged. Still slightly shocked by Renn’s intensity, I pulled the pizza out while Pete leaned on the counter. “Sadie, thank you so much for—”
“Don’t, Pete.” I held up a hand. “It’s not to help you. I just happen to think you have a point. I hate that Renn feels this way, like he’s being ganged up on.”
“You probably don’t believe me, but I hate it, too.”
A curt nod was my only reply.
Ten minutes later, I made my way down the hall to Renn’s room, rapping on his door twice before opening it. Déjà vu assaulted me. Christmas Eve. Renn was in the same position on his bed, facing the door. He appeared controlled, but nowhere near ready to have a conversation about how he needed to get a hold of his anger and stopliterally shutting the door on me. I thought some distance might be called for. A change of script.
“I think I’m going to sleep at my apartment tonight,” I said. “Give you some space.”
“That’s a good idea.”
Well, okay then. I turned around, intent on leaving the house before I started crying.
“Wait!” Renn reached out to grab the hem of my shirt. “Sadie, I…I want you here. I always do. But I don’t want to say something I’ll regret. I just need to think this through on my own without being distracted by whether you and Pete are on the same side.”
“You know that’s not how it is. I’m always on your side.” I sighed. “When are you gonna figure out that you don’t have to be an island?”
Renn looked up at me with red-rimmed eyes, calmer. “You actually think we should tell Gage?”
I sat down next to him on the edge of the bed, laying my hand over his. “I think the first thing you should do is get the test done. Find out. It may all be a moot point.” I rested my head on his shoulder. “If it turns out Pete is Gage’s father, I agree it’s best not to hide it.”
“Really?”
“Look at it this way—Gage will get to have a dad. You and Robbie and I don’t have our fathers anymore. Would you deny Gage if he has that chance?”
Renn seemed pensive for a moment and then groaned into my neck. “No.” He placed a kiss on my clavicle. “I just don’t want my brothers to get hurt.” I reached up to run a hand through his hair, holding his head close. After a minute, he whispered, “And I want us to be okay, Sadie.”
“Me too.” He clung to me a little while longer in the silence—not exactly fraught, but uncertain nonetheless.
I wished Renn realized that having a serious relationship meant that he had someone in his corner for the hard stuff. He seemed to understand it from the other side. Hadn’t he done everything in his power to make me feel safe and cared for when I first laid down on his tattoo table? Been patient with me as I worked to banish Henri-in-my-head? I wanted him to know that I could do more for him, for his family, than just help cook dinner and cheer at his brothers’ extracurriculars. But he wasn’t in the right frame of mind for that discussion. No way would he hear me after that fight with Pete. He’d see it as another attack.
I waited until after ice cream sundaes before I took off. Throughout dessert, Renn and Pete competed in the game of which man could be more aggressively silent, and I left feeling unsettled. It was weird coming back to my apartment after spending almost every night in Pasadena. The white walls seemed lifeless, and I admitted to myself it was time to think about moving. I loved the neighborhood, but Zach had been home. This place was just drywall and cheap carpet.
I spent the rest of the night cleaning, watching TV, and reading through a subreddit on surrogacy. Worries about Renn and Pete and Robbie sat in my stomach like boulders, and the fact we’d chosen to spend the night apart wasn’t relieving my anxiety. I’d come into this relationship because I was ready to be a genuine partner for Renn. But if he wouldn’t let me support him—or even admit the depth of his emotions—then we were at an impasse.
I woke up still nursing my fears. An overnight text from Renn saying he’d ordered a DNA testing kit online compounded them. If FedEx cooperated, they could know Gage’s paternity in a week or two.
Ten days later, the results hadn’t arrived, and it didn’t seem like mine and Renn’s relationship was back on track. We were doing the same things we’d done before, but it felt different. On a scale of “what’s for dinner?” to “what’s going to happen if my littlest brother turns out to be my cousin?” our conversations remained locked at level one.
His insistence on normalcy bordered on manic. Cute little love notes sent via text, sometimes more than one per day. “I love you more than I ever thought possible,” and “I’m so happy you’re mine,” all interspersed with fun dad jokes and GIFs that I was certain were meant to evoke memories of the time we first met—a time when I was still careful about what I asked him, how much I probed. They didn’t give me fond fuzzies. They made me a little nauseous.
I wanted to pre-game what we might do if the test came back as a match. But he wouldn’t. We sat next to each other at two of Gage’s practices. I helped him repaint a wall at the studio. Renn quizzed me for my Advanced Communications final. Showed up unannounced at Chester’s with a bouquet of lilies. Surprised me with takeout after a shift at Hal’s. Made love to me like a man on a mission.
I attempted to speak to him about my concerns, but he shut me down every time, assuring me everything was fine. He had it under control. No need for me to worry. I should focus on being a surrogate. On my classes. On anything other than the fact that my boyfriend was possibly unraveling.