“Jesus! I know you don’t think I’m having sex with Zach. That’s disgusting!” I folded my arms.
“Also not what I meant.” Renn put his hands on my shoulders and squeezed as he explained. “For the record, there will never be a time—ever—when I sanction you having sex with anybody else. What I meant was maybe you could get one of those kits where you do the whole thing at home.”
“A kit? You mean like doing it turkey-baster style?”
He smiled as my arms slowly uncrossed. “Basically, yes. They make devices for this that are a few grades more technical than a turkey baster. I had a client a few years ago. She and her girlfriend were trying to get pregnant, but they didn’t have the money for all those expensive doctors. They ordered this kit online, and it got delivered right to their house, and they did it there. She told me about it while she was on my table, because she was getting her son’s name tattooed on her calf. They used her brother’s sperm, and her girlfriend carried the baby.” Renn took my hands in his. “If you really want to do this for Zach, it’s something to consider.”
“And you’d be okay with it if I did that? I mean, if I puke every morning and gain a hundred pounds, it’s going to affect our relationship.”
Renn looked thoughtful for a moment and then replied. “I wouldn’t have brought it up if I didn’t think we could handle it. I know it won’t be easy. It’s unconventional to have your girlfriend carry a baby for another couple right when you’ve started dating, but we’re not exactly conventional, are we? I also know what Zach is to you, Sadie. That he’s not just some dude you became friends with at work. He’s your family. And if Robbie or Gage needed me to do something like this for them, I wouldn’t hesitate.” He leaned over to peck my forehead. “Besides, I love Zach too.”
It was strange, sitting there talking this out with Renn.We could handle it. I was part of a couple again and my decisions affected both of us. I understood that being a surrogate would put a strain on our relationship. I wasn’t totally naïve. But Renn and I were only a few months into officially dating. We hadn’t discussed our long-term couple goals yet. It’s not like it would be easier if I waited until we were even more deeply involved. And I needed to do this for Zach. To at least make the offer. Renn hadn’t been exaggerating—Zach was my family, and I wanted to step up for him if he’d let me. He’d helped me reclaim my entire life, including encouraging me with Renn. I could give him nine months.
Decision tentatively made, I made a joking “ugh” face at Renn. “You realize that there is going to be some part of this that involves Zach or Teddy jizzing in a cup, right? Like, if we’re not having sex, things have to, uh…happen…another way.” I shuddered.
Renn laughed. “Let’s not worry about those details right now. We can just get more information and ask them if this is something they’d even want to consider. It’s a big decision, and a massive step to take without all those legal protections you mentioned earlier. I’m sure anyone that didn’t know you and Zach as well as I do would start lecturing you about all the things that can go wrong, and particularly about if you’re going to change your mind and get attached to the baby, but I have faith that you know your own capabilities.”
Renn had always believed in me. And in this case, it was one hundred percent justified. I was definitely going to be attached to Zach’s child. But not in the oh-my-God-I-said-I’d-be-your-surrogate-but-now-I’ve-seen-ten-tiny-toes-and-I’ve-totally-changed-my-mind type of way. More in the I-know-I-said-I’d-have-the-kid-in-bed-by-nine-but-Napoleon-Dynamite-was-on-and-you-had-Oreos-in-the-cupboard-and-Sadie-is-the-world’s-best-auntie-slash-babysitter type of way.
The more I considered the idea, the more I liked it. Zach and I had been through so much, and our friendship was the closest thing to real family I’d ever had. I glanced at the tatted-up twenty-four-year-old holding my hand. Sometimes things that didn’t seem right in theory could work amazingly well in practice.
Late December 2015
Teddy whisked Zachoff to Mexico for the last two weeks of December. I’d agreed to pull a few shifts at Hal’s—as well as check in daily with Cyd—so Zach could enjoy himself without worrying about the bar. I wanted to talk to him and Teddy about what Renn and I had discussed, but they were still reeling from the miscarriage, and it seemed too soon. Watching Zach cry in his kitchen had shaken me and I didn’t want to inadvertently cause a repeat.
Since I was confident Teddy would take good care of Zach while they got their margaritas and salsa dancing on, I let myself relax and look forward to the holidays for the first time in over a decade. Renn had asked me to celebrate Christmas with him and the boys. We had been together for almost two months, and I could not remember being happier.
For so long, I’d jokingly accused Zach of being oversexed, but now I got it. Renn was a machine—a living, breathing sex god who could not get enough of me. We spent most nights at his house, but I slept at my apartment when I had the five a.m. shift at Chester’s. One week this happened three nights in a row. On the third night, I’d woken to Renn knocking on my door at two in the morning. He’d rushed in, mumbling something about Archie showing up at the house unexpectedly to sleep off a hangover, providing adult supervision for the boys, and practically dragged me into the bedroom.
“We can’t go three days ever again,” he’d groaned out after, collapsing on top of me.
And we hadn’t gone even two days without seeing each other since then.
It was blissful. It was easy.
Until it wasn’t.
I showed up to the Stoller house on Christmas Eve carrying oatmeal peanut butter cookies, doctored with red and green M&M’s, along with presents for the boys. Renn had given me the lowdown on an action figure Gage didn’t already have. And even though a gift card to the Nintendo store wasn’t exactly original, I figured Robbie would appreciate it. I also had something special for Renn. Thus equipped, I knocked with confidence.
But I could tell from the moment Gage swung open the door that something was wrong. His expression lacked its usual levity and there was a heavy silence behind him. A silence broken a few seconds later by Renn’s shouted, “What the fuck, Pete!?”
I entered hesitantly. A quick glance down the hall showed my boyfriend pacing back and forth in the den. In the living room, Robbie sat on the couch, hands fisted across his chest, a lethal glare on his face. Archie sat in stony silence on the chair next to him. Gage hurled himself on the couch next to Robbie. He peered over at his brother and then adopted the same folded arms posture.
I looked at Archie and mouthed, “What’s happening?” He hitched his neck to the left, indicating I should follow him into the kitchen. As I deposited the cookies on the counter, I heard Pete’s voice drifting down the hallway. “I’m sorry, Renn, okay? I wasn’t thinking of it like that.”
Renn’s reply of, “How can you be such a fucking dumbass!?” was clear before the click of the French doors closing reduced them to muffled shouting.
“What’s going on, Archie?” Renn hadn’t seen my arrival. I needed to figure out what was happening before I could plot my next move. Should I hide in the kitchen and just let this play out? Try to calm him down? How bad would it be if I stood by while my boyfriend murdered his uncle?
“Pete…that idiot.” Archie leaned back against the stovetop, and I recognized he was upset because his Boston was coming out, the last word sounding more likeijit. He shook his head in disbelief as he continued. “He’s been coming around more lately. And it’s been quiet. Robbie still won’t talk to him, of course, but he hasn’t been trying to piss in his uncle’s Cheerios or anything either. It almost felt like a truce.”
I had gathered as much from my own frequent visits to the house, occasionally running into Renn’s uncle watching TV or eating dinner with Gage. Pete had kept his word to try harder, but there was so much friction it was unclear if that was a good thing. I’d missed Thanksgiving since I’d agreed to cover the shift at Hal’s, but Renn told me later it would have been a completely silent meal if not for Gage’s chattering. The family did not know how to get past Robbie’s discovery of Pete and Mary.
“What happened before I got here?”
Archie braced himself against the counter, knuckles going white as he explained what I’d walked in on. “So, Pete shows up not too long ago. Renn had asked him to come tonight so they could have less tension on Christmas tomorrow. Makes sense, right?”
“Sure.” Archie wasn’t telling me anything I didn’t already know.
